Little Kid Summer

 Camilla finished second grade Wednesday.

It kinda freaked me out when I realized it means she's halfway through elementary school, but when I mentioned that at the dinner table she didn't know what I was talking about.

"What's elementary school, Mom?"

She goes to a K-8 school, so of course she doesn't have an idea of the distinction between elementary and middle schools, but I am sure that when she starts sixth grade it will feel huge to me. And she's halfway there from the start of kindergarten.

Our kids are seven, five, and three (and three) and I'm aware these days of a constant wish to freeze time. Bedtime stalling and tantrums over dropped popsicles notwithstanding, life with little kids is hilarious and busy in a way that makes my heart squeeze with the goodness of the moments.

Seven and a half years into this parenting gig, I shouldn't be but still am continually surprised by the paradox of living with and caring for people who are so much a part of me that I can't see how I'd manage to breathe if I no longer had them, but who are also so very much themselves not me. I'm responsible for them, but I don't - can't - determine them, and my pride in them ends up being not recognition of my own achievements but an astonished acknowledgement of who they are. That they, themselves, are IT. I am just a lucky recipient.

Camilla's second grade teacher wrote a certificate to recognize each child for a virtue exhibited during the year, and hers was meekness, defined as "serenity of spirit while considering the needs of others." Along with loving that definition of meekness (I feel like the standard accepted definition is much weaker), I also laughed because... well, she definitely didn't learn that virtue by MY example. Serenity of spirit! Ha!

But there's the beauty of it: that Camilla is mine, heart of my heart, and yet distinctly other than I am, so that even at seven she has virtues that I at thirty-one have not yet learned. And simultaneously she is exactly me: she curls in the big chair and reads a Ramona book in a day, and I get an instant sense memory of spending so much of my childhood just that way.

I am grateful for what Camilla's childhood has been thus far, especially because I recognize how little of the goodness I can take credit for. We have a school we adore and she is secure and happy there. It's been a beautiful year for her, full of friendships and fun and the reading and writing she loves. (She actually hopped with excitement when she told me they were going to begin writing stories in class. That's my girl!) Second grade has also meant first confession and communion, and the joy of seeing our girl hit those milestones... honestly indescribable. Even as I love having little kids I'm getting glimpses of the good parts of having big kids and it makes it hard to be upset about the passage of time.

Blaise will be in kindergarten this fall, and now that Camilla's half done with elementary school (even if that means nothing to her) I feel more keenly aware of the sensation that I'm sending a ball rolling down a hill, that I'll be struggling hereafter to catch him for a moment before he's off again, tumbling toward graduation at a pace far faster than seems appropriate for someone who was a nursling two blinks of the eye ago.

But he came out of kindergarten testing (fairly intensive, as our private school can choose not to accept children it thinks aren't ready) with a grin and request for "more kindergarten testing, Mom!" and every time we're at the school he talks about how excited he is to go there. He turned five in January and he's ready for this step, and so I will have to be ready too.

For now, though, between June 4th and the first day of school on August 26th, I have a moment.

I can pretend that this is our life forever: tricycles and scooters and sidewalk chalk, the swingset, windows open and all the sounds of imagination drifting through, dinner outside, trips to the park in the evening, holding them on my lap during prayers and smelling the summer on them, reading the Narnia chronicles at bedtime (an extra chapter okay because they can sleep in tomorrow). Lazy pace, sticky dirty happy children, a chance to pause and breathe and enjoy the fact that they're kids, just for now, just mine. 

Whew.

Comments

[Lisa]

I love, love, love this! It is pretty much exactly how I feel about this season of life right now. And it makes me remember when I was that age and allowed to explore and run. Summers meant being shoved out the door after breakfast and not returning until we were told we needed to eat something. We lived on the farm, so it was one adventure after another. I don't remember being inside much at all in those days.

[Susie]

ARWEN. Oh, I love your family. I love your writing. I feel like I'm looking back at perfect summers - my own, my kids', yours. All of them. A parade of nostalgia, most of which isn't even mine (yet!).

[Tracy]

Every time you post something… especially something like this, I wish you had time/energy/etc. to write more often. :-).

happy sigh… Loved that season of life so much.

[Tirienneanne]

I love this! I love that, by virtue of being family, I get to see this progression from the outside and get to share in experiencing it from time to time. :)

[Laura]

Such a lovely reflection. I am looking forward to this summer so much. J has managed to stay a kid, really, and I'm grateful for that. ("You're going to the park? I'm coming!) In August, though, a teenager! And in a year? He'll be preparing to head to high school. (GULP.) Definitely grasping these kid moments and holding tight.

[Janet]

Arwen and Bryan, how sweet life is for you. These are fleeting days
and need to be savored. I don't think there is a time this precious. Everything has a season. You are in this one now. Bless all the days. I so enjoy your writings and look forward to many more. Love to all of you.

[Hillary]

I love when you post. And yes, THIS is how I've been feeling. May your summer be superb.

[Julie]

YES! Enjoy! I know life with little (and medium) kids is exhausting, but my oldest just graduated from high school, my middle one is halfway through high school (and she knows what that means) and my baby just finished 5th grade. And they all were nurslings two blinks of an eye ago...I swear!

[velocibadgergirl]

I just love this! I have recently become aware of the wonder of my oldest (age 4 1/2) as a whole entire little person in his own right, separate from just being my child, and it is amazing and awesome and wonderful.

[Miranda]

Arwen Elizabeth, I could read your writing ALL DAY LONG. I love the way you write about your life, your family, and the passage of time.

Here's to this summer, this now, this moment. xo

[Laura Diniwilk]

I love everything about this, but especially the paragraph that starts "But there's the beauty of it..." ~ you are such a wonderful writer!

[JENinMICH]

How exciting for Blaise to start Kindergarten! With his big sister to lead the way at school. Will the twins go to pre-school at all?

Your babies are growing up. :)

[Rach]

Yes. This.