Now My Brain Is Crowded

My friend Jen always says that pregnant women are the ultimate navel-gazers. And as if pregnancy weren't absorbing enough, suddenly discovering you're pregnant with TWINS makes it even more all-consuming. It's been nearly a month and I haven't written a word here since the initial announcement.

After we found out there were two babies kicking around in my womb, we... adjusted to the idea. That first evening after the kids were in bed, Bryan and I sat together in the living room and stared at each other. We were shocked, and also in awe that this incredible thing could have happened to us. 

On that note, a few people have mentioned the irony that this started out as an *infertility* blog. It has not escaped me. Yesterday was the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, when Catholics commemorate Mary's being conceived without sin, and at Mass I stood with one hand on my belly and thought about how anything having to do with conception used to be impossibly painful for me. And now, look how full my life is: a four-year-old, and an almost-two-year-old, and two more tiny people on the way. It's more goodness and richness than we could ever deserve. I'm overwhelmed.

It took about a week before we got used to the idea of TWO babies, before we started thinking of people with mere singleton pregnancies as people who got the not-as-great side of the odds. It's one of our coping mechanisms, now, to joke about our friends with their "boring" singleton pregnancies... and, since we found out our twins are identical, to joke about all those parents of "common" fraternal twins - ours are clearly more special.

(These are coping mechanisms because 1) we're kind of terrified to have two babies at once. We don't enjoy newborn-hood particularly; two simultaneous newborn-hoods will be INSANE. and 2) having monochorionic twins (as ours are; that's how we know they're identical) is riskier and therefore scarier - we'd have far preferred to have fraternal dichorionic twins and fewer risks.)

Did I tell you we found out the twins are identical? I know I did on Twitter. I should back up.

One of the things that many twin moms online recommended was a book by Dr. Barbara Luke about multiples pregnancy. I got it and read it asap, and it was helpful and informative without being scary. But one thing it did recommend was using a high-risk OB (otherwise known as a maternal-fetal medicine doctor, hereafter referred to as an MFM) as a matter of course during a multiples pregnancy.

There's an MFM practice very close to here, and a local friend (Hi Laura!) knows one of the doctors there personally, and she offered to ask her friend any questions I might have. I was happy to get the answer I was hoping for, that their practice is very vaginal-birth friendly. The doc also said that actually, since MFMs handle multiples births regularly, I probably have a better chance of getting a natural birth with them, since a regular OB would be more likely to freak out and suggest unnecessary interventions. I hadn't thought of that, but it makes sense.

I called the MFM practice to set up an initial consult and was thrilled to find they could get me in the very next morning. Bryan was out of town so I went alone.

And that's when they did the ultrasound ("to establish chorionicity" the doctor said) and found that our twins share a placenta and are therefore identical. (It's technically possible for fraternal twins' placentas to fuse into one, but that's so extremely unlikely that we're not counting it.)

The babies were measuring the right size for eleven weeks - which they actually are; my due date is now officially June 20th, which is gratifying to me because it matches my chart perfectly - and look good right now, although it's possible that baby B's cord is attached to the end of the placenta instead of nicely in the main part, which could be problematic in the future, but we're not worrying about it right now. The doctor, whom I really liked, said that baby A's cord is "nice and beefy." Yum.

She talked seriously to me about the ~15% chance of twin-to-twin-transfusion syndrome, a scary complication where one twin starts hogging the blood flow to the placenta and therefore the nutrients. Apparently in some cases a laser surgery can correct it, and they do that at the local university hospital, but it's risky and what we're really hoping is that TTTTS doesn't develop at all. Obviously.

 That day was hard. I didn't have Bryan around to help me work through my anxiety, and I very stupidly Googled TTTTS, and I kept getting more and more agitated as the day continued, until finally in the evening I hauled myself to Adoration, where I wrote frantically in my prayer journal and stared at Jesus in the monstrance as if He could give me all the answers.

Guess what? He can.

I got the message very clearly that this pregnancy is, yes, a possible source of stress and fear, but also a huge opportunity for God to show his grace in my life. And I get to choose whether I give in to the fear or invite the angels to surround me and protect my peace and the babies' lives.

God won't push it on me. It's my choice.

The prayer to St. Michael saved me during my pregnancy with Camilla, and it is the angels who are helping me now. My guardian, and the babies' guardians, with us every moment, fighting off the agents of fear and keeping us in peace and calm and health.

It probably sounds completely fantastic to those of you who don't believe in such things, but to me it is every bit as real as the chair I am sitting on right now.

Understand, I don't feel I've gotten any assurance that "everything will be okay" or that we will emerge from this pregnancy with our ideal outcome (a full-term birth and healthy babies who come home with their mama). I'm not seeking that assurance and I don't expect God to give it to me. Our relationship has never worked that way. What he has promised me is that he will fill me with his grace every step of the way, as long as I continue to invite him to do so. I don't expect to live life without suffering. I just expect him to carry me through it.

But of course we hope, and we do everything we can to assure our babies get the best possible chance at health and life. Which means, first of all, sticking with this MFM practice - they do a LOT of monitoring and if something goes wrong, they will catch it. 

(Besides the birth thing, one of the other factors that convinced me to go with the MFMs was a Twitter friend telling me that when she lost her mucus plug at 26 weeks in her twin pregnancy, her OB did not care or take action. Whoa! I'm sure that with this practice, that will not happen to me.)

And also, I'm working as hard as I possibly can to gain weight. The Luke book emphasizes the importance of early and extra weight gain with twins - her research shows that it improves outcomes on all fronts. Dr. Luke did her research locally (the doctor I met with knows her personally!) and the MFMs and the dietician at their practice are big believers in her work. I also read a study that Jamie sent me which suggests proper nutrition might reduce the risk of TTTTS, and even if it doesn't, getting plenty of protein and iron isn't going to hurt me, so I am dedicating myself to my diet.

(This is the guideline the dietician gave me: every day I am supposed to have 9oz protein in meat, fish, or nuts, 8 servings dairy, 10 servings carbs, 6 servings fat, 7 servings fruit, and 4 servings vegetable. That is a LOT of food.)

It is sad to be *supposed* to be gaining weight and have nothing sound good to me. My food aversions are insane. But I have hit twelve weeks and seem to be emerging from the cloud of nausea that's been surrounding me for ages, so I'm hoping the aversions will disappear soon too. 

Growing twins is hard, scary work. Good thing it's also a blessing to do.

Comments

[Petroni]

I love this post, Arwen. And, of course, the angels ARE as real as the chair you're sitting on. We are praying for you and the twins every day. I am so excited for you.

[Becki]

Continued blessings and peace to you, my friend. You and your family members, great and small, are in my prayers.

[Emily]

Beautiful post, Arwen. You're right - God won't guarantee you a healthy pregnancy, but he'll stand right there with you the entire time.

I told Dave that you were expecting identical twins, and here was his response: "Oh! That's the best kind!"

I laughed and laughed and laughed. It seemed like such a bizarre response coming from him.

[Rachel Morehouse]

I really like this, Arwen. Your fears are real, but so is your faith, and your writing style is charming. Thanks for sharing. Is it horribly mean to say I was relieved to find out I'm not having twins?!

[Erica]

So glad to hear all is well with you! So exciting - identical twins! Good luck with all the eating. I wish I could do some of your eating for you. :)

[Claire]

Congratulations, Arwen! I know firsthand how scary it can be, but also what a blessing identical twins are, no matter what the outcome.

[Nancy Dickinson]

Such a beautiful piece of writing, Arwen. I talk to Amelia every day and ask her to watch over her little cousins and her baby sister while they are with her. I know she's a little one but she can do it ! At least that's what I tell her. You are all in our prayers. Love you Aunt Nancy

[Tracy]

I was expecting much more randomness after reading your tweet - but instead I read a blog piece with a beautiful message at its heart, and your heart laid out for others to see as well. I pray you will continue to rest in His peace and protection, and that you continue to know that He is surrouding you throughout your life.

[Home Sweet Sarah]

TWINSIES!

But dude, that is A LOT of food. I don't even know if I'm supposed to be eating that much more (I don't think I am...), but I must say, I've been really taking advantage of pregnancy, eating Nacho Cheese Doritos and cookies and everything else I wouldn't normally have.

So glad you're getting out of the nausea haze! Now you can enjoy Doritos and cookies and everything with actual satisfaction!

[Kristen @ St Monica's Bridge]

Arwen, I cannot tell you how happy I am for you in this pregnancy and how hard I am praying for you. I know you can do this! And I know you know you can do it too and am so happy to read about your experience from Adoration. I had to laugh when you talked about twittering this is why: A friend just gave birth to her first son in September and at one point in her pregnancy had some bloody stool (sorry TMI) and she called her OB who got her in within the hour but told her on the phone not to google it! I've actually heard a lot of doctor's and other health care professionals having to give out this warning these days. Praying for beautiful, healthy babies!

[Karen]

If you can stomach it, put protein powder in smoothies and shakes. You need protein and fat more than sugar.

The oldie but goodie from St. Francis de Sales has helped me through more than one high risk pregnancy.

"Do not fear what may happen tomorrow. The same loving Father who cares for you today will care for you tomorrow and everyday. Either he will shield you from suffering or He will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings."

The babies sharing my son's alcove in the NICU were twins with TTTTS. One was about 5 lbs, the other 3. Amazing how red the bigger one was, from all the extra blood. They were fine. Feeder/growers no problems. Alexander and Maximus and yes, Maximus was the little guy. My full term singleton was in WAY worse shape than either of those two.

[HereWeGoAJen]

Since the newborn stage isn't your favorite, think of it this way. This time you are getting double the child with only one newborn period!

Do you read Jen at Maybe If You Just Relax? (http://www.jennepper.com/) She's pregnant with identical twins right now and it sounds like you two have a lot of the same stuff going on. She had a TTTS scare, which ended up being a cord attachment issue instead. Everything is still going well, she's somewhere past 28 weeks now, I think? Anyway, she's hilarious so you should read just for that reason.

[Liza]

Identical babies!!! Of course, those ARE "more special" ; )

Do you have any gender inklings? As soon as you said identical....my brain immediately filled in "...baby girls".

Seconding the person who suggested protein powder. But try to get as much naturally soluble protein as possible. I'm not sure how much nutrition really affects TTTTS, but a friend of mine was pregnant with twins and her husband got diagnosed with an aggressive brain tumor when she was about fourteen weeks. Naturally her stress skyrocketed and the doctor spent the whole of her twenty week gender/anatomy scan chastising her about her poor weight gain and the fact that one placenta was starting to look markedly unhealthy.

The doctor told her to get a large bag of chicken breast tenders and poach them just until done. Then he said she needed to eat one every time she came into the kitchen! (and we're talking about someone with a toddler here, so...hell-oh) He said she should go through a bag every two days and that even though she'd feel like clucking after mere days...it would be worth it. He encouraged her to view it as a chore to be done for "baby maintenance"-- completely set apart from her normal diet. He said to not even think about it...just cook them, put them in the fridge, and 8-10 times a day, down one of those suckers.

It sounds unorthodox to the point of silliness, but within a month she had gone from a dismal seven pound weight gain to almost fifteen...and the placental issues evened out nicely by twenty five weeks.

I only mention all of this because she was so like you- that rare pregnant woman whose body stubbornly refuses to join the weight gain free for all that most women experience (often to the point of unhappiness) after that first trimester. She was also the mother of a toddler who had been a VERY (veryveryvery) high needs infant, and the idea of TWO newborns at once overwhelmed her. Of course, grace was there for her, too...and I'm happy to say that she had THE most languid, tranquil, sleep-prone babies I've ever seen.

So, anyway...my point is...eat chicken! Lots and lots of chicken!

[Tara]

Beautiful post, Arwen! I love your outlook.

Maybe you should just start cooking through The Pioneer Woman's archive? That would definitely keep the calories a comin'. ;-)

[Patti]

So glad to hear that you and the twins are doing well, and I will continue to pray for an uneventful pregnancy for all three of you! Google is, indeed, a double-edged sword. When I was diagnosed with excess amniotic fluid with my second child (a boring singleton), I tried to do some research via Google, and as I kept reading about all the "possibilities", I got incredibly worried about what could be wrong with the baby or go wrong in the two weeks before my induction. Thankfully, he turned out just fine.

[Violin]

This was a beautiful post. I'm praying for you and am so excited about your twin blessings. They don't keep you bored! I was wanted to say I wanted to link to this post, if you don't mind. I'll take it down if you don't. You said something so profound, and something I've wanted to describe to friends about my faith in God when so many things in this world seem wrong and something He could "fix" and "doesn't".

I'll check back tomorrow. Blessings, and thank you for sharing your insight.

Much love!

[Elizabeth M]

Wonderful post! My sister has 30-month-old twin boys (although not identical) and, like you, she already had a boy and girl (although a little older than yours).

She had a relatively uneventful pregnancy (with the extra screenings of course) and vaginally delivered both at almost 38 weeks!

It is amazing to me (still) how well she just stepped into it. She read lots of books and talked to other moms of twins ahead of time. She does say that a twin nursing pillow is a must for breastfeeding!

God bless you all and may you have a safe and healthy pregnancy!

[Crystal]

Hi Arwen. I'm new to your blog and just wanted to say hi and congratulations on twins! Praying the best for you all.

[Swistle]

It is hard. I remember thinking I wanted to be back to the time when I could be fretting because I was eating too much. With the twins, I usually had a smoothie for breakfast because I could put so much into it (protein powder, yogurt, milk, pumpkin, fruit), and chicken salad for lunch, and Paul wold make tacos or chicken for dinner, and ACK SO FULL. But I hope that's one of the reasons my pregnancy was so long and healthy---there's no way to know, of course, but I like to THINK of it that way!

[Breanne]

Oh my! Congrats! Identical, yay! :) I believe it's hard, scary work. Eep! Praying!

[Sonetka]

Oh my goodness, this is crazy. And yes, I remember when this was an infertility blog as well :). We'll be praying for calmness and good health for all of you.

[Robyn]

Thank you so much for this:
"And I get to choose whether I give in to the fear or invite the angels to surround me and protect my peace and the babies' lives"

Reminding me that I have the choice of what I feel and experience within God's mercies. Sometimes it's too easy to forget how much He protects us - if we let Him.

[Laura]

I love when you write about your trust in God's grace. This post actually reminds me of some of your writing from before you were pregnant with Camilla. Letting go of the fear and anxiety in hard times, inviting God to carry us... it can be so difficult to do. It's a gift to your readers that you invite us on the journey with you!

[Annie D]

Dear Arwen, last time I read your blog Blaise was just a baby. Imagine my surprise and delight to find out you are expecting twins! God bless you and your beautiful, growing family. I will keep you and the twins in my prayers.

[Sarah]

I just stumbled on your blog from a link at another blog! I am one half of an identical twin pair. :) I can only imagine how scary it can feel to carry twins. I have to say, though, that being an identical twin is amazing and an experience so few get to have. In my mom's situation (30 years ago), they actually had no clue she was pregnant with twins until Baby A (my sister) was born (vaginally). They had a total of 8 minutes to prepare for my arrival (also vaginally). Yep, our guardian angels were working hard! I pray things go smoothly for you and the babies... and congratulations!

[melissa]

This might raise your spirits: http://www.lookydaddy.com/weblog/2007/06/i_know_that_mos.html

A mom who carried twin girls to just shy of 39 weeks asked others to share similar tales. Lots of comments about healthy twin pregnancies.

[Dianna]

Arwen ...

I've been listening to you on the podcast for a long time, as well as reading your posts on F&FL, but this is the first time I've stopped by your personal blog.

My identical twin boys are now 2.5 .... gosh, that time has flown by! Reading your posts about your pregnancy brings back so many memories for me .... so much worry for me during those days. I didn't have any pregnancy complications (went on modified bed rest at 35 weeks, and the boys were born at 37w, 5 days, both over 6lbs and healthy as could be), thank God.

I also recommend the Dr Barbara Luke book .... I focused on protein shakes (I pretended I was drinking a Frappacino), and ate eggs seriously 5 days a week. Water was huge for me as well .... if I didn't drink enough, I would have Braxton Hicks contractions like mad.

I used a iron supplement called Floradix - available in most health food stores, or Whole Foods. It's liquid, can be mixed in juice, and will NOT make you constipated.

Also, if you have time to read, the multiples forum at Mothering.com kept me SANE. They are an amazing group of women who will help support you through your entire pregnancy and beyond.

WHat a marvelous, marvelous blessing!