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Wednesday, June 28, 2006


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Oh, Arwen, you have no idea. It's so visceral. I wouldn't hesitate to run in front of speeding semi to get her out of the way.

That first look into those eyes is, well, miraculous.

There's no way to prepare for it.

Be excited. ;)


Wanted to add - I actually had the thought today, "Why did we get pregnant again? Why on earth am I setting myself up for that vulnerability again?"

It's so amazing.

The way parents love their children is absolutely the WORST kind of love. It's terrible and gut-wrenching and persistent. And it's also the best part of having kids.

Yes, it is really like that. And has hard and gut-wrenching as it is, is is equally wonderful. You look in wonder at them, and then you look in wonder at your parents, because even though you knew they loved you, you didn't realize they loved you like this. Watching your child get teased or disapointed is so much worse than if it was just happening to you, but watching them feel proud or loving their brother is so much better than if it was just happening to you.

Yes. That deep. That vulnerable. The That real. And more. I find that it just keeps getting deeper and stronger the more I get to parent these blessings.

The best part of having this love for our kids (for me at least) is the realization, at least dimly, of why God sent His only son to die for the rest of His children. Because the way we love our kids? It's just a small reflection of how much He loves us.

And that's my deep thought for the day, now followed by sleep. I hope that you slept well tonight.

Can you imagine God the Father's pain, true and visceral pain, while watching His Son die on the Cross?

I couldn't until I nursed one of my little men through a bad illness.

It will be gut-wrenching -- but it is so worth it.

When I held my daughter in my arms for the first time I realized I could actually kill someone to protect her. So much for non-violence. The emotions you feel are like nothing anyone can describe to you, it is amazing and inspiring and sometimes a little painful.

When I was pregnant, I knew I would love my child, but I NEVER expected the amount of love and the deepness of the love I have for my son. It happened the SECOND I saw him in the operating room. Overwhelming, earth-shattering, all consuming love that literally took my breath away. I will do anything for him and I will protect him with my own life every second of every day for the rest of my life. It is amazing to know that I am loved with this intensity by my parents and I am now passing that love on to another person. Arwen, you are getting prepared for such an amazing journey. Enjoy every second of it.

Eeeep. Guess next time you have to clarify that you want a GOOD baby dream?

I'm I the only one that FREAKED out when I saw the title of this post in my live bookmark!

Wow. That scared me.

Tater tots, huh? Well, sometimes a tater tot is just a tater tot.


The scariest moment of my life happened a couple of days after we were home from the hospital. I was laying Jamie down in his bassinet and getting ready to go to bed myself. I had a moment of fear- about SIDS, suffocation, whatever, just a typical new mom moment. And I realized that if anything happened to him, I probably wouldn't survive it.

Now while I would still throw myself in front of a bus to save him, should the unthinkable happen and he were actually taken from me, I'd probably survive. But not in the first 6 months.

Dear Arwen,
I'm so glad they didn't take your baby away! I, too, freaked out - in a sort of slow motion this can't be happening way - when I saw the post's title.

Many blessings on the little one - already deeply loved and now deeply, viscerally loved!

Well I am not a mom, but i don't think anything can prepare you for the true love that you will have in your heart the minute you hold your precious baby.

I also have a feeling that tater tots will be banned from your household for quite a while... :)

I'm sorry to hear about your upsetting dream and hope that it will be followed up with some sweet baby dreams.

You and your little one are in my prayers!

I'm going to chime in and say that yes, love for one's child is visceral and vulnerable like that, but for me it didn't happen immediately. My joy in my child was immediate (that first sight of your baby, so long hidden in your womb, is truly priceless) but I didn't feel that instant all-consuming love that so many mothers talk about. I don't think I felt that for a good 3 weeks after her birth, actually, and it sort of crept up on me. I suspect that some women bond with their babies quicker than others, and perhaps I was on the slow end.

I definitely agree with the sentiment in Ally's post: here at 4 months, if Eve were to die, I'm not sure how I would survive it. When I married my husband I realized full well that I was accepting not only the joy of our life together but the inevitable, gutting pain of his death (if I didn't die first). It's the same with my daughter, but worse. But that's the gamble of living: to live fully, you may have to accept loss.

Agreeing with the others that this is how it is!

The worst dream I've ever had in my whole life happened when DD was an infant. I dreamed she was drowning just out of my reach. I woke up breathless with my heart pounding so hard that the chest wall was moving! My chest hurt for a whole day after that. I was telling it to somebody at work and she said it happened to her when her baby was small and she made her husband take her to the E/R to make sure she wasn't having a heart attack!

I just rented this arty movie called Nine Lives. In it, one woman is highly anxious as she's getting ready to have a mastectomy. She is worried she will die, and she tells her husband, "The thought of my baby in the world without me can crush me like an egg". This pretty much sums of my experience of motherhood as well. I had some fairly strong panics when we were trying to decide who should be our baby's guardian. Nobody ever prepares you for how hard THAT is to consider.

Oh- what an awful dream.I am not a mom yet, but I can almost imagine that feeling of overpowering, all consuming love.

About six months ago, I had an awful nightmare, too. Except in my case it was a mean nurse telling me "you'll never have children," or something like that. And I woke up with tears running down my face.

I hope you only have wonderful baby dreams from now on!

My heart stopped at the title of this post!

Yes, motherhood is really like that, but so, so worth it.

I have to agree with Sarah in that I did not feel this way right away. I had forgotten about that. The beginning was pretty rough and I worried a lot that there was something wrong with me because I thought I was supposed to feel this "love at first sight" thing, and I didn't. It did kind of sneak up on me. Just wanted to say that, because it would have helped if someone had told ME that.

Yeah, that's pretty much how it feels. Although I have to admit, with both my kids it took me a few days, weeks to get to that crazy in love feeling. At first, it was more like, sure, that's a nice baby, now what am I supposed to do with it?

I only had a couple of baby dreams while pregnant. Most of the time I had the baby's sex wrong, and the baby was doing totally implausible things (sitting up, eating solids, talking in the hospital after being born.) But the dreams left me with reassurance that everything would work out fine. I hope your next one is that way, too.

My "baby" (now 5) is currently laying on the couch recovering from surgery (tonsils/adenoids/ear tubes). It hurts everytime I look at her and everytime she says, "Thank for taking care of me Mommy" in her weak voice.

My husband cries over news stories almost every day because being a father has made him so hypersensitive to stories about sick/mistreated kids.

Btw, I dreamed my daughter was a boy and I had no dreams about my son. But with each pregnancy I had a "they took my baby" dream and I can still feel the pain in my chest.

Oh, how scary! The worrying is beginning already.

I am constantly scared of somethimg going wrong with our foster baby we're hoping to adopt and the state taking him away.

I hope you are feeling a little more relaxed now.

The other thing that happens is you just can't even stand to watch the news when they have a story about something horrible happening to a baby or child. It just makes you literally sick to think about it. Also, a tv show or movie where a child is in some kind of jeopardy--you just won't see anything entertaining in the show at all. It's the most amazing thing to find how "sensitized" you become.

Uh yeah, it's pretty powerful stuff, let me tell you. You know the saying that when you have children, your heart is walking around outside of your body? Yeah. Exactly. (And I don't think it gets better, considering how my parents sometimes still act around ME. Gah.)

About dreams ... I've heard that when it comes to gender, we are often very accurate in our dreams. We didn't find out what we were having last time, and while I really thought we were going to have a girl, the 2 dreams that I had where I knew the gender of the baby were both "boy" dreams. I always thought that was interesting ... like my body or subconscious or whatever knew who was in there even when I didn't yet.

Yes, I agree with your other commenters...

I've had some dreams that seem so awfully real that it took a long time to shake them away. One time, I actually got out of bed and sprinkled Holy Water in every room of my home and on every sleeping person. Than I fell asleep praying.

I bid you good and funny pregnancy dreams!!

Kate ( you know which Kate) once told me that having a baby was like having your heart taken out of your body and attached to little legs, like having your heart run around and worrying about the little falls and things. As far as I know, it is still the same way even though she has a beautiful healthy little boy.I am pretty excited for my first one.

I've totally done the holy water thing -- actually, I did it last night after a terrible nightmare. (a little embarrassed to admit it, but so glad I'm not alone in that!)

I admit that your title gave me quite a start, too! Phew!

When my first son was born, I remember trying to express the new vulnerability I felt. It's like my very being depends now on them all being safe, well and in my care. If anything should happen to any one of them I don't even know how I would function. Of course, parents do face crises and survive, but have you ever known a parent who lost a child? It's like you can see them aging right before your eyes. They never look the same, and they never are the same.

Yes, it's a new, intense vulnerability, a primal kind of love and connection that you have never quite experienced before. And it is awesome!

I echo the above comments, but add that I had a moment of anxiety shortly before my first was born, asking myself (and my husband) why I should love this little person I don't even know? And what if I didn't feel that way? One very real way for my new-parent anxiety to reveal itself, I suppose.

Also, with my second it took me a little longer to feel that take-your-breath-away bond, but it came within a few weeks.

Sorry about the dream--my heart beat faster just reading about it.


Well, holy moly -- I don't read your blog for oh -- 5 months -- and you go an get pregnant on me. Wow! So exciting. I remember reading your tearful posts about adoption/infertility just last summer. Now, look -- one year later. God has a plan for us all. Anyway, belated congratulations. Here's to your little one. Be sure to take it easy.

Yup. That vulnerable. Sorry. Your heart will never again be your own.

When I was pregnant with my son, I dreamed that I gave birth--to a Yorkshire terrier. Nope, I said, and sent it back so I could give birth again--this time to a cat. Sent that one back too, and kept giving birth until I got it right with a human baby. Make of that what you will.

Pregnancy dreams are wild. I remember I was so sure I was having a boy, so sure, and then about a week before our big US I had the most vivid dream of a little red haired girl running across the lawn at my mother in laws house. I woke up in a panic, oh crap I am having a girl. The next week it was made very clear my dream was right, we were having a girl, who by the way was born with flaming red hair. Not to say that yours is prophetic, I am pretty sure that tater tots feeding is not yet against the law. You will love this child more than you can imagine, and more than any of us can ever tell you here! Red can break my heart quicker with one look than any other person can on thier best day. Good luck with your coming wild ride of motherhood.

Oh those dreams are awful!

I had two that I can remember really clearly.

One, I dreamed that my baby was born and was a banana sheet cake. Yes, it was very specific. And I had birthed it, so it was MY banana sheet cake. I was very concrned that it not get wet because, well, it was a cake. Then somewhere in the dream I realized that I really should have a BABY and started to freak out.

The second one I know had to do with my soap opera habit. There was a storyline where Erica Kaine had stolen Maria Santos's baby. In my dream Erica was standing over my bed holding my baby and was going to take him from me. It was awful!

But I think your dream is really telling you how important it is to you that you do a good job, and what a big responsibility it is to be a parent. Thank goodness, we are never left alone to do it.

May God be with you on your journey. It's amazing. =)

Lurker here! Have been reading for about a year and a half I think. Am so excited for you!!
It's really like that. When I was pregnant I loved my baby, of course. But after he was born... It is amazing and scary and wonderful. It is the thing that makes you sit there and stare at them when they are sleeping when you know you should be doing something else. I can't tell you how many days I spent staring at my son's sweet little face in that first month or two.

Damn. I know what you mean. I had something close to that dream, but I think my son was being fed Baskin Robins sample flavors in the dream. Let's just say it was a variation on one of the 32 flavors. It was so long ago...13 years...but the feeling remains the same to this day. According to MY mother, it never goes away. Ever. So well put. Thank you.

Hey Arwen. I was thinking of you today and thought I should pay your blog a visit. It took some hunting but I found it on Kate's blog. :-) Well, I cannot say that I understand anything that you are experiencing right now. But I must say it's kinda cool to read what you're experiencing and dreaming as you're preparing to have your first baby. Your dream sounds horrible. I hope you have much nicer dreams about the baby from now on. Have a blessed fourth of July. You're in my prayers! ~Emily (the commuter from Ave)

btw, I didn't mean it's cool to read about your bad dreams. I just meant it's neat to hear what a first time mother feels and experiences because I have no clue what it's like. I hope that clarififes things a bit. Also, a concrete baby... that was funny.

In every single one of my pregnant dreams with my daughter, the baby was a boy. Always a boy. We had a girl.

I have had 3-4 pretty real pregnancy dreams with this pregnancy and in every one it was a boy.

I'm bet I am having another girl.

Where's the belly pics?? So excited to see 'em!

Shortly after my second and third kids were born, I had the exact same dream: my car, carrying me and all the kids, skids off the road into a lake. I have to decide which of the kids I can save, as water pours into the car. Nice, huh? Heart-hammering horror alright.

Now, this isn't a hard one to interpret: I was worried about having enough love, time and energy to go around.

Oddly enough, I didn't have this dream with the fourth. She had some health problems that were worrying enough, or the previous worries had been resolved.

Sweet dreams from now on, okay?

Im 6 months pregnant an had the worse dream any expectant mother could have, the loss of my child i woke up crying and in a state. Im feel strangly glad im not alone. I cant wait to met my boy i get a rush of excitement just thinking of it. And i love him more than anything already. I cant wait to be a mum. I feel blessed as i was told it was very unlikely i could get pregnant with out intervention. Love to all u mums out there. X leanne x

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