Everyone makes mistakes. Right?

Today I got in a car accident.

While watching traffic in one direction, I floored my little Sunfire in another direction – right under the back bumper of a huge Lincoln truck. The truck doesn’t have a scratch. My poor car might not even make it.

(I will be very sad if the car is dead. Michael and I went on our first date in that car, and I was hoping we’d get to take our first child for a ride in it, as some sort of sentimental symbolism.)

I’m not hurt, but this was my first car accident, and it scared me. My air bags went off. (Maybe I should say they exploded – that sounds much more violent, and it was violent.) I was surprised at the way the force of the crash hit my body, although in theory I understand it: moving object meets opposing force, all that energy has to go somewhere. I just never anticipated what it would feel like to have it go jerking through me. I walked away from the accident, and I can tell that I’m not seriously hurt, but I am very sore, and I know it’ll be worse tomorrow.

I managed to keep it together while talking to the guy I hit, the police officer, and the tow truck driver, but when I got in Michael’s car to go home, I finally let the tears out. Much of them were from shock, but I was also crying out of frustration, and it didn’t take me too long to figure out why I was frustrated.

I was mad at myself. For being so stupid. I just kept saying the word. “Stupid, stupid, stupid.” What kind of person doesn’t look ahead of her car before hitting the gas? A dumb one, that’s who. A careless one. One who maybe doesn’t even deserve to drive.

And then I remembered my sister Maggie’s comment on Jamie’s latest post. “Nobody should ever say anything like that about a child of God.”

I had a conversation earlier today which reminded me that I have a bad tendency to be too hard on myself, to always expect perfection. This struggle just cemented that lesson. I considered that if it had been Michael in that accident, my reaction would have been “thank God you’re safe” and “don’t worry, everyone makes mistakes.” Would I have thought him stupid? Of course not. Yet here I was, calling myself stupid, over and over.

Nobody should ever say anything like that about a child of God. Who are children of God? Everyone. Me, even? Oh, that’s right.

Forgiving myself for this one is not necessarily going to happen easily, but it will happen. I’m committed to it happening. I’m also committed to going easier on myself day-to-day. I want to recognize and turn from my real sins, but not blame myself for malice-free mistakes.

Clearly it’s going to take a lot of grace for that to happen any time soon. However, I think today was a first step on that journey.

Hopefully I’ll remember that bright side tomorrow morning, when I am physically unable to pull my ridiculously sore body out of bed. Hopefully.

Comments

[Christine]

I'm just so thankful you're okay.

[Christine]

I'm just so thankful you're okay.
Physically, I mean. I know how hard it is to get over the scared/shock part. I had panic attacks at the site of my first car accident for years.

[Katie]

I'm glad you're okay. Though it's easy to blame yourself, please try to remember that even the most concientious make mistakes once in a while.

[Sonetka]

Yikes, that sounds scary. I hope you get over it with a minimum of freaked-out-ness - for about six months after our first car got totaled I was hyperventilating if we even got vaguely close to another car on the road at any speed over about 15 MPH. Totally normal reaction, apparently. And really - don't blame yourself. Everyone has a brain blink like that once in a while. I'd also recommend a very hot shower and a silly movie and/or book, to help with the stiffness. Feel better!

[Jenny/Long Time Lurker]

Like you say, my reaction is 'Thank goodness you're not hurt!' and 'Anyone could have done that'!

[APrinceOfTheWest]

I am very thankful you're not harmed. Auto accidents can be amazingly frightening, can they not? How is Michael doing? Such things can be very hard on men - whenever someone they love is endangered and they are not there to fend it off, they often see it as a personal failure. Very typical of you to turn such a thing into an opportunity for self-examination. It is indeed easier to forgive others for mistakes - even sins - than it is to forgive ourselves. I think you should take the advice regarding the hot shower and movie - or perhaps a visit to Blandings - today.

[jen]

Yikes. I'm just glad you're ok. Everyone does stuff like that ... bet you didn't notice how my car bumper is repaired with duct tape? Yeah, I drove headfirst into a pole a couple of years ago. With my eyes wide open. These things happen...

[mary]

I'm glad you are ok. That's really scary. I was shaky for a long time after I smooshed my car all up too.

[Jamie]

Oh, hon, take good care of yourself today. I'm so glad you weren't hurt badly. We're praying for you here, that you feel better quickly and find the grace you're seeking.

[Maggie]

Yes, everyone does make mistakes. Remember all of the times you've told me that I need to stop being so hard on myself? You were right--every time. Think about it. Also, on a more practical topic, try doing plies and port de bras to get rid of the soreness. Keep your chin up! I love you so much!!

--Mag

[Tracy]

You're right - we're all children of God and we wouldn't say such things to others, but we're so quick to say them to ourselves. Take good care of yourself physically during the next few days. I'm so glad that you are relatively unhurt, but the soreness will be painful for a few days.

And hang on - you've got a start in the right direction, you're doing great. And yes, it can happen to anyone. I remember when my dh totalled our car, and all I could think was thank God he's okay, thank God nobody was hurt, thank you God. He was much easier on himself than I would have been on myself though.

sending gentle hugs and prayers for you.

[Rachael]

I am so glad that you are ok! I remember when I was in a fender bender (my fault), I was a mess over it. It is so scary. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Praise God that no one was badly hurt. I will be thinking of you and praying for a speedy recovery.

[Jennifer]

Glad you are okay!

Jennifer

[Rebekah]

I'm glad you're o.k. and that no one was seriously hurt (other than your car, that is). I hope you're not too sore tomorrow, and that you're able to save the car!

[Ellen]

I'm so sorry, though I'm glad to hear that you're safe and that at least intellectually you know you shouldn't beat yourself up. I hope you (and your car?) are both doing much better now?

[Bridget]

They are called accidents for a reason. You didn't plan this, it just happened. What would you say to Michael if it happened to him?

[Elena]

I hd this same sort of accident about 5 years ago! Glad you're OK.

[ukok]

I'm passing through from Alicia's blog, and I just have to say, 'Thanks be to God' that you were not seriously physically injured as a result.

God bless.

[Sarah]

Commenting late because I was out of town for several days...

Like everyone else I'm glad you're ok, and really, everyone does make mistakes, specifically mistakes with their vehicles. The number of times I've narrowly missed causing an accident and thought "Wow, that was incredibly stupid of me..." are too many to count. Thus far, my lapses haven't actually led to any damage (besides one minor incident in a parking lot where fault was equally shared), but I know my day is coming.

And hey, if my Mom could forgive herself for totaling my Dad's '66 Ford Mustang convertible in a solo black-ice accident with both of us kids in the car (very luckily, we were all fine), then surely you'll be able to stop kicking yourself about this little dust-up eventually. :-) Remember to not beat yourself up for beating yourself up!! Sometimes, you have to let your emotions run a bit, even if those emotions are self-recrimination. Just don't let them run wild for very long.