From: Stump the Parents, Inc.
To: Camilla Claire
December 11, 2007
We at Stump the Parents would like to thank you for signing up to be a member of Operation Stump the Parents Worldwide: 1-Year-Old Contingent. While we at the 1YOC cannot hope to induce the Parental Stumpage Levels (PSL) achieved by members of the teenaged contingents of our task force, it is our hope that OStPW:1YOC will soon be achieving PSLs among the parents of 1-year-olds that rival the levels achieved by our 2- and 3-year-old contingents. It's an ambitious goal, Camilla, but with the help of dedicated citizens like you, we believe we can get there.
It is with this end in mind that we have, per our agreement, been observing your interactions with your Assigned Parental Units (ASU) in your home over the past few weeks. Based on our observations, we have created a personalized list of suggestions for upping the PSL in your home. It is our experience that when used by 1-year-olds, our personalized suggestions are 97% effective at raising the PSL in the homes in question. Furthermore, in 29% of cases, the PSLs achieved by these 1-year-olds is equal to or greater than the PSLs achieved by the average 2- or 3-year-old.
As you can see, Camilla, it is imperative that you implement our suggestions as quickly as possible. If you need clarification or have any questions regarding your personalized suggestion list, please call our 24-hr hotline at 1-888-STUMPED, and one of our implementation consultants will be happy to assist you.
We thank you for your help, Camilla. Thanks to you and others like you, PSLs all over the world are on the rise. Your continued support is much appreciated.
Candy-Cane Monkey-Barrel Baxter
PERSONALIZED LIST OF SUGGESTIONS FOR RAISING IN-HOME PSL
prepared for Camilla Claire by Operation Stump the Parents Worldwide: 1-Year-Old Contingent
1. Assigned Parental Units do not want their children to be unhappy or in pain, but on the other hand there are some things they just have to do. Take advantage of this. When the ASU is in a position where he or she must finish the current task, start screaming unhappily. Then - and this is the key part - on some random occasions, do not calm down until the ASU can comfort you. On other random occasions where the circumstances are exactly the same, calm down before the ASU has a chance to comfort you. This will confuse the ASU and make him or her wonder if it is actually necessary to offer comfort. Keep the ASUs guessing, and the household PSL will skyrocket.
Our observers noticed that you've already been implementing this tactic to some extent during diaper changes, which is excellent. Keep up the good work, and continue to broaden your range.
2. Although the behavior is most commonly associated with older toddlers and preschoolers, one year old is not too young to start acting weird about food. Our observation committee saw an incident recently where you refused to take bites of your female ASU's breakfast egg when she offered it to you, but then eagerly grabbed and devoured a piece of egg that she dropped on her pants. This is an ingenious tactic which we recommend you employ as often as possible. Our team also recommends: a) refusing to eat when your ASUs are watching you but then chowing down when they are not looking, b) changing from day-to-day the foods you consider acceptable, and c) asking for more food when your mouth is already full.
Unfortunately our team has observed that your ASUs have a low anxiety level and are unlikely to become worried about your eating habits as long as you remain healthy; this is bad news because anxiety is an excellent compounding factor for PSL. However, it is still possible to make your ASUs feel that their heads are going to explode. This is also very good for PSL, so stay on track with food weirdness. You're off to a good start.
3. Our surveys of ASUs show that a hot-button issue in their demographic is how well their children do (or do not) sleep. Bad sleep, not surprisingly, helps raise PSL. You personally, Camilla, have been an overachiever in this area, and we at OStPW:1YOC applaud you for that. We also realize that after nearly fourteen months of waking up multiple times a night, you might be starting to get worn out and want to sleep for longer stretches. This is fine, but because a well-sleeping child has been shown to significantly lower a household's PSL, it is imperative that you take counteractive measures.
We suggest that after sleeping well for several nights in a row, you try mixing it up a bit. Wake up two or three times just for the fun of it. Make sure to do this when your parents have not changed any factor of the sleeping situation, so they will not feel impelled to take action, but will instead wallow in confusion and despair. Confusion and despair are both excellent for increasing PSL.
Our observers did notice that you are managing to keep your sleeping-straight stretches to under seven hours a night. This is impressive, and you are to be commended. Many one-year-olds do not have your tenacity.
Camilla, we hope that these suggestions will be a good jumping-off point for your work as a member of OStPW:1YOC. As you become more experienced and advance through the ranks of the 1YOC, we will continue to provide you with personalized suggestion lists that will increase in difficulty as you increase in skill. In the meantime, keep up the good work! OStPW:1YOC is glad to have you on our team.