Arwen/Elizabeth

I'll Wait Until She's Grown to Collect My Award

A year and a half ago when I spent hours of every day pacing the floor trying to get infant Camilla to stop screaming when all I wanted was to sit down for a few minutes for the love of all that is holy, I thought about how happy I would be when the challenges of parenting became mostly mental and emotional rather than exclusively physical. I'm a cerebral person and I do well with mental and emotional challenges.

I was envisioning helping a preschooler learn to make friends, or a grade-schooler deal with homework frustration. I failed to consider the mental/emotional challenge that would come much sooner, and which is currently the biggest pain-in-my-neck part of parenting:

Discipline.

My parents were pretty awesome at the discipline game. For instance, every single time they took our family out for dinner, at least one fellow diner would remark on how well-behaved we children were. And yes, probably people had mentally lowered their standards when they saw the passel of us coming into the restaurant and were surprised that we behaved even passably, but still. We were well-behaved, and it can be credited to Mom and Dad.

In my mind, the thing that is most to my parents' credit is the fact that they made it clear to us that they disciplined us for our own good. I've known more than a few people whose parents communicated to them the message that it was important for them, the kids, to behave well publicly so that they, the parents, would look good. My parents were not like this. Yes, they wanted us to behave well in public because they wanted us to behave well everywhere, but disrespect and disobedience at home received the same response as disrespect and disobedience in public.

Like any kid, I was furious with my parents on many occasions for the penalties they enacted or the privileges they rescinded in response to my actions, but deep in my heart I always realized that they were right. More than that, I realized that I wouldn't really have wanted them to act differently, because without the motivation of their discipline I would have had the responsibility of molding my own character. As a mere kid, I was unsuited to do that. Stepping up and making sure it happened was one of the most loving things my parents ever did for me.

As a parent now myself, I really want to follow their example.

But what I didn't think about - I knew it, but hadn't consciously considered it - was the fact that discipline would have to start so early, before my child was rational or even functionally verbal. Camilla was only thirteen or fourteen months old when she started hitting us, dozens of times a day. We instituted a gentle response of holding her arms and counting to ten that managed to mostly eradicate the hitting fairly quickly, but during those days I was surprised at how exhausting it was to have to respond the same way every single time, so that she'd learn that the action always garnered the same reaction.

When I used to think about discipline I thought about discussing moral implications with my children, helping them to understand the meanings of their actions and become better, more loving people. But a toddler has no concept of those things. With a 20-month-old, laying the foundations of discipline involves the basic task of showing her that we mean what we say. And oh, is it ever exhausting. This morning we were playing outside and, moments after I'd told Milla that she HAD to wear her sun hat, she took it off and threw it across the lawn. I didn't want to put down my book and get up from my chair in the shade; I wanted to ignore what had happened. And for a moment I just sat there, but the inconsistency between what I'd said and what I was doing was dissonance shrieking in my head, so I heaved my lazy behind out of my chair and enforced my words. (Surprisingly, and unusually, Camilla did not respond by shrieking.)

I was kinda proud of myself afterward. That chair was comfortable, and the sprinkler had been watering my feet. Am I Super-Mom or what?

In all seriousness, I sometimes wonder if I'll actually enjoy parenting more as the physical challenges decrease (my. child. will. someday. sleep. through. the. night. repeat.) and the mental/emotional ones increase. Showing consistency with a pre-rational person is exhausting, to say the least. On the other hand, an older child will have more and better weapons for fighting back than our daughter's current technique of squealing and running in the other direction, a method that is far more amusing than effective.

This is all idle conjecture of course, and actually I find parenting in general to be far more fun and rewarding than it is difficult. I do, however, often take the easy way out: right now I'm waiting to see if Milla will eat the crackers she dumped on the floor behind my chair (what? as far as she knows, I haven't seen them) so that I can avoid the task of making her clean them up. Like I said, Super-Mom, that's me.

Can I Get an Amen?

I had my first troll this weekend.  I've had unsavory comments before: some unnecessarily vehement disagreement with my positions on issues, as well as a personal attack by a former boss who had the mistaken impression that he could achieve anonymity on the Internet.  But I don't really consider those trolls.  I know I play hardball when I express controversial opinions here, and people who are arguing about issues rather than attacking me personally can't be considered trolls, no matter how fierce they get.  As for the boss thing - which did unsettle me, but ultimately was a good lesson in relying on my instincts when I sense people are untrustworthy -  I don't think he could be considered a troll because I knew him in real life.

But this troll was a true troll.  She came; she squatted under my bridge where I couldn't see her face; she grumbled several nasty, pejorative things; she left.  Her entire purpose in visiting here was to spread meanness.  I imagine she left feeling better about herself, but she certainly didn't enrich her life or her soul in any way.

I deleted the comments when I found them.  I'm all for reasoned discourse and criticism, but I'm not interested in preserving nastiness for its own sake.  And honestly, although I certainly wasn't happy about the whole thing, I wasn't shedding tears over it either.  Her comments bugged me the way it might bug me if I found a rotten spot on an apple I was eating, the way any disorder in my world bugs me.  But they didn't reach me, didn't affect me on a deeper level.  It took me a while to figure out why, but I finally did.

I go to confession on a regular basis.  It's an excellent source of grace, it's humbling, and - most importantly in this case - it does a great job of keeping me in touch with my weak points.  I know where I fail on a day-to-day basis, and if the troll had known to attack me there, she could have done some damage.  If she'd known to call me out for being impatient, for having a sharp tongue, for the fact that my laundry is never done and my bathrooms are rarely clean, that would have hurt.  Instead, she called me a bad mother.

I have many, many failings.  But I am a darn good mother.  And this is not a case of my protesting too much because I have secret doubts.  Deep down, at the very core of my being, I am sure that I am a good mother.

I actually feel that knowing this is part of what makes me good at it.  I go with my instincts.  I don't doubt myself.  I trust Bryan as a father and believe wholeheartedly that the two of us together are the best possible parents for this beautiful little girl we're raising.

I credit my own parents for the confidence.  They themselves were natural, instinctive, confident parents who taught me that parenting is not a set of skills or a job in which one's performance is judged by the standards of "experts," but a relationship.  They taught me that being a good parent does not mean conforming to those "expert"-determined standards for feeding and clothing and teaching my child; it means putting my child before myself, understanding her, responding to her, loving her.

I'm a good parent because I do that every day.  Sometimes I consult data, and it influences me to do things like breastfeed and put my daughter in flexible-soled shoes and regulate her sugar intake, but doing those things does not make me a good parent.  I could do all those things perfectly and still be a horrible parent.  I'm a good parent because I love Camilla and do my honest-to-God best for her, day in and day out, and I know it's working because she is happy and thriving and loves me back.

Like I said, I'm fully aware of this, which is why the troll couldn't really hurt me.  But I still feel bugged by her and what her comment represents.

Mothers have this awful tendency - especially on the Internet, I've noticed - to tear other mothers down.  I think it's a product of our own insecurities.  We're convinced we don't measure up, so it makes us feel better to think that some other people, at least, are even worse than we are.  The whole thing makes mothers as a group incredibly vulnerable.  It makes us vulnerable to each other, and it makes us vulnerable to people like my troll, who came across my site, saw I had a child, and decided immediately that "you're a crappy mother" should be an effective way to pounce.

This is bad.  Now sure, it's human nature to be competitive and antagonistic (although a part of human nature that we should attempt to civilize, in my opinion), and certainly mothers have been criticizing each other through out all of human history.  But today's parenting culture makes attacking each other so. darn. easy.

There is a huge industry based on the practice of implying that parents are doing it wrong, then selling them something so they can do it right.  You can buy  a dizzying array of products designed to make your child healthier, safer, smarter, and happier than all the other children on the block.  Many of these products are valuable in themselves.  But the marketing behind them - the idea that your child has a God-given right to an organic diet and the safest car seat on the market and a collection of educational toys that will have him reading by age three - stinks. 

A child has a God-given right to his parents' unconditional love.  If that is present, then the parents truly have the child's best interests in mind and (assuming basic knowledge of safety and nutrition) can be trusted to make the series of decisions and compromises that constitute life in a world with limited resources.  A time-saving fast-food lunch, a budget-saving lower-end car seat, or a sanity-saving video do not a bad parent make.  It is the relationship between child and parent that matters.

But that is not what we hear in our culture.  What we hear is that the experts know what's best, and that we should toe the line. 

Setting aside the not-insignificant fact that much of the "expert" parenting information given over just the past hundred years has turned out to be wrong, the expert-driven approach is hugely problematic.  It impoverishes the relationship of parent and child by reducing parenting to a set of tasks to be performed, subject to external standards.  It has parents doubting ourselves to a truly unnatural degree, wondering whether we're doing it "right."  It has the potential to rob us of much of the joy of building a relationship of love with our children.  And it turns us into insecure people who are relieved to be able to point at the parenting "mistakes" of others, so we'll feel just a little bit better about ourselves.

I'm guilty of it too, absolutely.  It is true that I feel confident in my relationship with my daughter, but I am not without my moments of self-doubt.  More than one time I have looked at another mother and felt relieved that she was not measuring up in some way, because it took the (self-inflicted) pressure off me.  Many more times I have failed to compliment other mothers because... well, because it feels like a race, and how can I win if I'm taking time out to compliment the competition?

It's ridiculous.  It is so ridiculous that it deserves to be called many words that I will not use here, this being a family-friendly website and all.  But I will say this: I am opting out of the race, starting now.  Those few times I have let my better self win and have told another mother she's doing a wonderful job, I've seen the flash of gratitude in her eyes and known that she needs to hear those words just as much as I do.  I'm going to start fighting to let that better self win more often, actively fighting to become the person I want to be.  We parents are in this "expert"-driven parenting culture together, and the absolute best thing we can do for ourselves and for our children is to band together against it and keep on loving them in spite of it.  I think we can have a great time along the way.

"Bih-ba" means "Billa"

This is for Lindsay, who asked so nicely yesterday.  Happy Two Years as a Catholic, Lindsay!

The Tie Belongs to Her Cousin

Bring on the doldrums, because Christmas is officially over.  Epiphany happened this past weekend and now it is just plain old dull boring January.

I've always thought January is the most depressing month.  November (Thanksgiving, which I love) and December (Christmas, ditto) are over, but spring is still months away (here in Michigan, anyway).  Nothing happens in January except taking down the Christmas decorations and moping about the fact that it's either (a) gray and ugly outside, or (b) snowing yet again, can we not get a BREAK?

Yes, I am impossible to please, why do you ask?

My sister Rosie pointed out that January is depressing to me because I let it be depressing to me, and she is probably right.  With that in mind I told Bryan that we should try to brighten the month with activities, so we planned a weekend trip to DC two weeks from now.  This weekend I'm going shopping with my sister, sans toddler-clingsters, and next weekend we've got Bryan's work holiday party (they do it in January instead of December, how inspired is that?) which means a night to ourselves, praise heaven, and then it's our DC trip and then it will be February.  So hey!  Maybe January won't be as bad this year.

Today, though, I have to take down the tree and the other Christmas decorations, and I don't want to.  Why is it that a Christmas tree on December 9th is a thing of beauty and a joy forever, but a Christmas tree on January 9th looks sad and glaringly wrong?  It's as if an enormous bedraggled pink cat were suddenly sitting in my living room.

Either I'm charmingly indulgent or just lazy and foolish, but this morning I've been letting Milla take the shatterproof ornaments off the tree and deposit them in a small plastic bin.  After more than a month of "No, Camilla, don't touch the tree!" this delights her as much as you'd imagine.  I think it might be a bad idea, undermining my discipline and all that, but heck.  I've already started letting her do it and if I renege now I'll be even more inconsistent than I already am. 

If I look hard enough, I can usually find an excuse for taking the path of least resistance.  Not that I'm proud of it.

Speaking of the path of least resistance (but not in a deriding way this time - the good old POLR is not always bad), I'm sort of intrigued to find that I've become an "extended" breastfeeder by default.  I planned before Milla was born to try my hardest to nurse her, and when it turned out to be amazingly easy for us, I set a goal of nursing for at least a year and didn't give it much more thought than that.  I've always been open to the idea of nursing a toddler, and the idea of child-led weaning makes sense to me. But I'd heard from some people that their children self-weaned before or around a year old, and I had no idea how I myself would feel about the way nursing was going at twelve months, so I figured there was no point in crossing the bridge before I came to it.

What I couldn't have predicted was that my child would not even come close to self-weaning (although I've since learned that the whole "self-weaning before a year" concept is sketchy anyway), and in fact would be a slow starter on solids and still be getting most of her nutrition from breast milk at a year, and that there would be no question of weaning her at that age unless we started giving her formula, which would be silly for us since it's more expensive and less convenient.  Fortunately, I found that at twelve months I was still loving nursing her.  I loved it even more after we night-weaned her (because loving nursing is not the same as loving waking up multiple times per night) and I didn't feel so stretched and could enjoy our nursing time.

Anyway, to make a long story short (ha!) I have a nursing toddler, and I have no idea when she will stop nursing.  Perhaps one of these days I'll start to get tired of it and will gradually encourage Milla to taper off the nursing.  Maybe she'll begin to eschew it of her own accord.   I don't know, and I'm not really concerned about it.  She's certainly not going to go off to college still nursing, and between now and then we'll find the right solution for us.

However, I am curious about something, and maybe those of you who have also done "extended" nursing can weigh in.  (Sorry about the quotation marks on "extended" - nursing a fourteen-month-old who only has six teeth doesn't seem to me that it should be out of the ordinary, and I have trouble accepting the fact that it is.)  When people started asking if you were "still" nursing - however politely or impolitely they did it - what did you say?  I can't decide whether to simply answer, "Yes," because it's none of their business, or to try to educate by talking about the WHO recommendation and the benefits of nursing a toddler.  Currently I alternate between the two options depending on the person I'm talking to; I like the idea of sharing information but I'm not sure how fruitful it would be in some cases.  If you nursed a toddler, how did you respond to the questions?  And how did people respond to your responses?

Also, since we're in information-collecting mode anyway, I'm curious about something else: teething and willingness to eat solids.  I've got this hypothesis that kids who teethe late (and Milla wasn't really late since she got her first tooth at seven months, but she's now almost fifteen months and only has six teeth) tend to be less willing to eat solids early and often than their many-teethed peers.  What think you?  What has your experience been?

As I've been writing this, Milla's been playing with a set of cards that we've designated "kid cards."  They're from a casino and have a hole punched through the deck, and she keeps taking a card and sticking her finger through the hold in the middle, then yelling for me to come rescue her from the evil card that is eating her hand.  Kids.  They're so darn helpless.

Good thing they are cute to make up for it.

This Explains a Lot

From:  Stump the Parents, Inc.
To:       Camilla Claire

December 11, 2007

Dear Camilla:

We at Stump the Parents would like to thank you for signing up to be a member of Operation Stump the Parents Worldwide: 1-Year-Old Contingent.  While we at the 1YOC cannot hope to induce the Parental Stumpage Levels (PSL) achieved by members of the teenaged contingents of our task force, it is our hope that OStPW:1YOC will soon be achieving PSLs among the parents of 1-year-olds that rival the levels achieved by our 2- and 3-year-old contingents.  It's an ambitious goal, Camilla, but with the help of dedicated citizens like you, we believe we can get there.

It is with this end in mind that we have, per our agreement, been observing your interactions with your Assigned Parental Units (ASU) in your home over the past few weeks.  Based on our observations, we have created a personalized list of suggestions for upping the PSL in your home.  It is our experience that when used by 1-year-olds, our personalized suggestions are 97% effective at raising the PSL in the homes in question.  Furthermore, in 29% of cases, the PSLs achieved by these 1-year-olds is equal to or greater than the PSLs achieved by the average 2- or 3-year-old.

As you can see, Camilla, it is imperative that you implement our suggestions as quickly as possible.  If you need clarification or have any questions regarding your personalized suggestion list, please call our 24-hr hotline at 1-888-STUMPED, and one of our implementation consultants will be happy to assist you.

We thank you for your help, Camilla.  Thanks to you and others like you, PSLs all over the world are on the rise.  Your continued support is much appreciated.

Sincerely yours,

Candy-Cane Monkey-Barrel Baxter

President, OStPW:1YOC

[Enclosure]

PERSONALIZED LIST OF SUGGESTIONS FOR RAISING IN-HOME PSL

prepared for Camilla Claire by Operation Stump the Parents Worldwide: 1-Year-Old Contingent

1.  Assigned Parental Units do not want their children to be unhappy or in pain, but on the other hand there are some things they just have to do.  Take advantage of this.  When the ASU is in a position where he or she must finish the current task, start screaming unhappily.  Then - and this is the key part - on some random occasions, do not calm down until the ASU can comfort you.  On other random occasions where the circumstances are exactly the same, calm down before the ASU has a chance to comfort you.  This will confuse the ASU and make him or her wonder if it is actually necessary to offer comfort.  Keep the ASUs guessing, and the household PSL will skyrocket. 

Our observers noticed that you've already been implementing this tactic to some extent during diaper changes, which is excellent.  Keep up the good work, and continue to broaden your range.

2.  Although the behavior is most commonly associated with older toddlers and preschoolers, one year old is not too young to start acting weird about food.  Our observation committee saw an incident recently where you refused to take bites of your female ASU's breakfast egg when she offered it to you, but then eagerly grabbed and devoured a piece of egg that she dropped on her pants.  This is an ingenious tactic which we recommend you employ as often as possible.  Our team also recommends: a) refusing to eat when your ASUs are watching you but then chowing down when they are not looking, b) changing from day-to-day the foods you consider acceptable, and c) asking for more food when your mouth is already full. 

Unfortunately our team has observed that your ASUs have a low anxiety level and are unlikely to become worried about your eating habits as long as you remain healthy; this is bad news because anxiety is an excellent compounding factor for PSL.  However, it is still possible to make your ASUs feel that their heads are going to explode.  This is also very good for PSL, so stay on track with food weirdness.  You're off to a good start.

3.  Our surveys of ASUs show that a hot-button issue in their demographic is how well their children do (or do not) sleep.  Bad sleep, not surprisingly, helps raise PSL.  You personally, Camilla, have been an overachiever in this area, and we at OStPW:1YOC applaud you for that.  We also realize that after nearly fourteen months of waking up multiple times a night, you might be starting to get worn out and want to sleep for longer stretches.  This is fine, but because a well-sleeping child has been shown to significantly lower a household's PSL, it is imperative that you take counteractive measures.

We suggest that after sleeping well for several nights in a row, you try mixing it up a bit.  Wake up two or three times just for the fun of it.  Make sure to do this when your parents have not changed any factor of the sleeping situation, so they will not feel impelled to take action, but will instead wallow in confusion and despair.   Confusion and despair are both excellent for increasing PSL.

Our observers did notice that you are managing to keep your sleeping-straight stretches to under seven hours a night.  This is impressive, and you are to be commended.  Many one-year-olds do not have your tenacity.

Camilla, we hope that these suggestions will be a good jumping-off point for your work as a member of OStPW:1YOC.  As you become more experienced and advance through the ranks of the 1YOC, we will continue to provide you with personalized suggestion lists that will increase in difficulty as you increase in skill.  In the meantime, keep up the good work!  OStPW:1YOC is glad to have you on our team.

Resemblative

Here's something funny that happens: everyone who is related to Bryan or knew him as a baby thinks Camilla looks exactly like him.  Everyone who is related to me or knew me as a baby thinks Camilla looks exactly like me.

Has this happened to anyone else?  Your husband's mom says, "Oh, she looks like her daddy!" and your mom says, "She reminds me so much of you!"

When I look at Bryan and Milla together I can definitely see the resemblance.  Not so much when I hold her up in the mirror next to me, but I think it's hard to see one's own features critically.  Heck, my face somehow changed from an eight-year-old face to a twenty-five-year-old face and I didn't notice a difference from day to day, so I am not the go-to expert on what my own face looks like or whether Camilla's resembles it.

However, check this out:

me with my dad, ~12 months old

me, ~16 months old

me, ~18 months old

Yo.  THAT resemblance I can see.

(I made it!  Thirty days of posting daily!  I'll have a follow-up post plus kudos for all the rock-star daily commenters next week.)

Geeks on a Gloomy Afternoon

In Action, Baby

This one speaks for itself.

Giving Thanks #2: Not as Much Screaming

I'm thankful this year is that Milla is no longer an infant.  The sad reality is that I did not enjoy the holidays last year.  Thanksgiving followed by Advent followed by Christmas is my favorite time of year, but last year I barely survived it.  I vividly remember the evening before Thanksgiving, a year ago yesterday.  Camilla screamed from 10:00pm to 1:00am.  We tried our entire bag of tricks and could not calm her.  It was sheer hell.  A month later on Christmas Eve, which is supposed to be a magical night, I was bouncing and pacing at midnight.  The baby finally went to sleep at 1:00am.  A sleep-deprived Christmas Day was not particularly magical either.

It's hard to enjoy much of anything when you have a ticking time-bomb of a fussy baby, who might start crying at any minute and, if your luck is bad, take hours to calm down.  Especially when you and your husband are the only people who can do the calming dance exactly as the baby likes it, meaning that the presence of generous relatives who want to assist is not nearly as helpful as it should be.  (Although the relatives are good to distract you from the screaming.)

But this year!  This year our daughter is a thirteen-month-old chatterbox almost-toddler who thinks her relatives are the best thing since sliced bread.  It brings me real joy to watch Camilla play with my parents and my siblings, and she clearly loves the busy atmosphere of our holiday celebrations.  She thrives with lots of people around, especially when they're showering attention on her.

Not to mention, of course, the fact that all the extra babysitters make life much more relaxing for Bryan and me.  Relatives are like a bunch of parents' helpers: they whisk the baby off and play with her, and they don't get tired of five hundred successive games of peek-a-boo, and the baby is delighted and her parents get to sit and have a drink and feel like we're on vacation.

Which reminds me, we're on vacation.  I think a leftover piece of pie might be calling my name...

Perambulate Ye

About a week ago Milla took her first unassisted step.  Since then she's been taking a few steps a day, improving gradually but not dramatically... until tonight, when she suddenly began walking longer distances.  She toddled six steps, then ten steps, then all the way across my sister's living room. 

Milestones like walking and talking are pretty cool no matter who the kid is, but there's something that makes it thrilling when it's your own kid.  A pre-motherhood me would not have believed how exciting I would find it the first time Milla saw her father come in the door and clearly said "Dada!", or that "dog" and "duck" and "nurse" would be equally as thrilling.  But they were.  And that same pre-motherhood me wouldn't have guessed that watching a two-and-a-half-foot-tall person wobble from one spot to another on her own feet would make me so happy that a few hours later I'd still be grinning when I thought about it. 

But it did, and while I was looking forward to Thanksgiving already, I'm really looking forward to it now.  Because Milla is going to be spending the weekend working on her walking skills, and that's going to be so much fun for everyone!

I'm also excited because she's walking earlier than I expected.  I know that walking at thirteen months does not exactly make her a gross-motor-skills rock star, but considering neither Bryan nor I walked until fourteen months, she's doing pretty well.  I'll take it.