So. If you've been around for a while, you probably remember that I quit my job at the end of September. Those of you with passable reading comprehension skills - and I'm assuming that's all of you - may have noticed that there has been no mention of a new job, or even of the hunt for a new job. A good reason for that is that I have no new job, and I am not looking for one.
Okay, you say. Why not?
Well, first of all, in the happy tradition of the pathologically verbose, let me tell you why I thought I should find a new job. We'll work backwards. Using as many words as possible.
I am fundamentally a lazy person. I should qualify that: physically, I am a lazy person. I've got plenty of emotional energy, and will expend it until I become a confused, weepy shell of a person. (You need only to see the guys I hung out with my first years of high school - two in particular - to be sure of that. Fortunately, I now pour that emotional energy into worthier subjects. But pour it I certainly do.) Physical energy, on the other hand, is scarce. I would rather not work than work. I know this about myself.
After graduation, I probably would have preferred to stay home and be a housewife, if you're not offended by that term. (Actually, even if you are. There's nothing wrong with the word housewife, and certainly nothing wrong with being one.) But knowing that I am lazy, I figured I should get a job, mainly because I didn't want to get one. How very Kantian of me.
(I once wrote an entire paper for my sophomore-year ethics course about how Kant's categorical imperative is an inadequate moral theory. It was scintillating, let me tell you.)
So when a job offer dropped into my lap last May, I didn't think twice about taking it. And after all our summer traveling was over and I had to start working full-time, it took me weeks to realize that it really was the job itself that was making me miserable, and not just my dislike of work in general. It took me a week or two more to become convinced that it was okay for me to leave the job. I really thought that it was wrong for me to leave - because I wanted to leave. If I'd wanted to stay, I would have felt quite virtuous about leaving. (Who said Kant was wrong? Me? Oh, that's right. I'm good with the concepts, just not so great at translating them into practice.)
So I left, and breathed a sigh of relief so big that I'm surprised you didn't hear it. The relief didn't last long, though, because I had to start looking for a new job. I cleaned up my resume and starting sending it out, but every cover letter felt like a huge burden, which was weird because I love to write.
After a few days of this, I lost it one night over something very unimportant, and poor bewildered Bryan held me until we figured out what was really wrong - that I don't want to work. Fortunately, my dear husband is much more level-headed than crazy me, and he helped me realize that not wanting to work is a good reason for not working, rather than for forcing oneself to do so.
(Incidentally, I cried through the whole conversation, which is what I seem to do during every big decision, and frankly during many small ones. I remember crying a lot as a teenager, but that was nothing compared to this. If the powers that be replaced my head with a pink balloon full of salt water, my husband might not even notice for a few days.)
We are blessed that it is not necessary for me to work. I have spent these past weeks at home, grateful for my new career, which is the one I'd planned on having eventually, except it is much quieter now than it will be in a few years. Hopefully. (I don't mean I hope it is quieter now. I mean I hope it will be less quiet then.)
I love staying home. I cook dinner every night, and visitors remark on how clean our house is. (It is cleaner, but it's still not pristine, which makes me kind of embarrassed, because it must have been awful before if they're commenting now.) I especially love having the time to plan meals and cook, so if you have any stellar recipes, send them my way! It's okay if they're complicated - after all, I've got nothing better to do!