It's been a year since Faith & Family shut down and I quit blogging on a regular (or semi-regular) (or semi-semi-regular) basis and blah blah blah I know the navel-gazing about breaks from blogging is boring and needless and way overdone, but it feels weird to just show up and start talking. Hi! A million things have happened to me since I was regularly writing about them! I can either tell you about all of them or assume you know about all of them, and both of those options are ridiculous. Wait, where are you going?
Eh, whatever. I am not going to pretend I don't think about my readers when I'm writing, but the truth is I honestly don't care if people who've happened to click over here find this sentence so boring they stop reading right now. Or now. Or now. I've always written most happily when I'm doing it to help me make sense of my own life, and yes I like the community and yes I appreciate the feedback and I'm happy and want to welcome every good-willed reader who comes here but, eh. If I seem boring, guess what? It's not a problem for me, because I'm actually fascinated by myself (insert joke about bloggers and narcissism here) and it's not a problem for you, because you have that handy little X in the top corner of your screen.
But if you made it through that paragraph and you're still here: hi! It's good to be back. How are things with you?
Around here... well, we're recovering.
If we hadn't had Illness Winter of Doom followed by Double Tonsillectomy of Screaming perhaps I would have come out of survival mode before my twins were 27 months old but we did so I did not. It's been two months since then and I'm still adjusting to my new life. I no longer have to grab every available minute (previously, approximately 12 non-consecutive ones per day) for leisure. My children play together! Nicely! They stay out of my hair for entire half-hours at a time! I eat breakfast sitting down and regularly finish cups of tea while they are still hot. Whose life is this?
The weird and weirdly - though fortunately mildly - depressing thing about transitioning out of survival mode was that I seized up for a while. After two years of wishing I could do more but being unable to because I was trapped under babies then sick toddlers, I was suddenly technically able to do things but could not make myself do them. I'd expended so much energy in survival mode that I did not have enough left over to figure out a new mode. So I sat for a while, mildly depressed and wondering why I felt so BLAH despite the fact that my life was newly easier than it had been in ages.
Twin survival mode is really the only long-term survival mode I've ever been in, so I have no frame of reference, but I'm wondering if this is a common thing? Life gets easier and you lose momentum? Yes?
Thankfully, school started for Camilla and the new routine kicked me into gear and I'm doing pretty well now. Like, I'll let you come over and probably offer you some freshly baked bread as long as you promise not to scrutinize (or turn the light on in) the bathroom or comment on the fact that my children are wearing pajamas at 2:00pm. That kind of well.
(Please not to comment on the lowness of my standards. We don't use the "s" word around here.)
Ambrose and Linus are 29 months old now and Blaise was 28 months when they were born and Camilla was 27 months when he was born. We are in an unprecedented state of life for us: our youngest children are two years old and there are no babies, and none on the way. It's bizarre in a good way.
In fact, it has just occurred to me that when my twins were babies I felt stressed about the things their singleton siblings had gotten that they were not getting, but now they are getting something their singleton siblings never had: they get to be the babies at two and a half. And they certainly are carried and coddled more than I could carry or coddle my other two-and-a-half-year-old "big kids." Lucky little guys.
(Plus they have each other, and it is more clear to me every day how awesome this is for them, even though they don't understand it yet and totally take each other for granted and bite each other on the face.)
Anyway, when Milla and Blaisey were four and two and Frosey and Lou* were newborns Bryan and I used to fantasize together about when all our kids would be "big" like our older two were then. We'd have a six-year-old and a four-year-old and two two-year-olds and the sky would be the limit! So much freedom and fun!
Obviously things are still insane, and also we underestimated the rambunctiousness of a pair of twin toddler boys, but on the whole it is true. At least it will be once they are finally sleeping through the night in their own beds. (They come in ours. It's mostly fine except when it isn't, and I know you are not supposed have preferences among your children and I do not except between the hours of 10pm and 8am, when Camilla is my clear favorite; Blaise - who sleeps brilliantly except when he comes in our room at 3am to air a forgotten grievance from the day before - is second; Linus - who comes in our room but agreeably sleeps on the twin mattress on the floor next to our bed - is third; and Ambrose - who prefers to sleep ON ME, and also yells about water cups at all hours of the night - is a distant fourth. It's a good thing he's cute.)
Where was I? Oh, yes, our children are fun ages. And they really are. We've taken two fairly long road trips in the past few months and both times they've gone better than expected. (Neither was vomit free, but we don't expect ANY endeavor to be vomit free.) We can take our children to a restaurant and they sit in chairs and eat regular food. They play together, they talk to us, they're hilarious and delightful and this, THIS is the reason I love having children. Babies are not my bag but the children! THESE children! Having them is just the most ridiculously awesome thing that has ever happened to me.
(A, B, L, C)
*Yes we call them that, although Linus usually goes by his regular name and Ambrose usually goes by his nickname. Ambrose -> Amfrose (how Blaise pronounced it two years ago) -> Frose. Linus -> Liney-Lou (a joke, originally) -> Lou. I kind of love it.