Linus and Ambrose turned one. Bryan and I had a countdown going, and it became a joke: one of us would say "six days!" and the other would say "until life gets magically easier!"
Shockingly, there was no miraculous change on their birthday. They're still babies, babies who nurse many times a day and aren't even close to sleeping through the night, babies who need attention all day long. And there are two of them.
I am besotted with my beloved twins but I have no interest in pretending that being their mother (while already being Camilla's and Blaise's mother) isn't the hardest thing I've ever done, in a lot of ways. I'd still take it any day over the pain of our sub-fertile years and wondering if I would get to be a mother, but shoot. This past year has taken me as close to Shell Person as I've been in my life. If someone looked closely, I wonder, could they see *through* me? I'm sapped, out of reserves. It's existential exhaustion and it does not mess around.
But on the other hand... we went over to campus the other day, the nearby university where Bryan and I were both students when we got engaged in February 2002. (I blogged the story back in 2006 - coincidentally, the very day I found out I was pregnant with Camilla.)
We took the kids to the exact spot where Bryan proposed to me, and we got a picture.
Camilla and Blaise chased each other around and Bryan and I chatted while holding babies and I looked around and thought, how did I get everything I ever wanted?
There's that. That's why the exhaustion doesn't break me.
(Linus, introspective as usual.)
(There is sibling love here, in spades.)
There's no smart or funny way to say it: these small people, and their dad, are the best things that have ever happened to me.
I hope this next year is easier than the past one has been, but even if it's not, we'll make it. Life gives like that.