Linus and Ambrose turned one. Bryan and I had a countdown going, and it became a joke: one of us would say "six days!" and the other would say "until life gets magically easier!"
Shockingly, there was no miraculous change on their birthday. They're still babies, babies who nurse many times a day and aren't even close to sleeping through the night, babies who need attention all day long. And there are two of them.
I am besotted with my beloved twins but I have no interest in pretending that being their mother (while already being Camilla's and Blaise's mother) isn't the hardest thing I've ever done, in a lot of ways. I'd still take it any day over the pain of our sub-fertile years and wondering if I would get to be a mother, but shoot. This past year has taken me as close to Shell Person as I've been in my life. If someone looked closely, I wonder, could they see *through* me? I'm sapped, out of reserves. It's existential exhaustion and it does not mess around.
But on the other hand... we went over to campus the other day, the nearby university where Bryan and I were both students when we got engaged in February 2002. (I blogged the story back in 2006 - coincidentally, the very day I found out I was pregnant with Camilla.)
We took the kids to the exact spot where Bryan proposed to me, and we got a picture.
Camilla and Blaise chased each other around and Bryan and I chatted while holding babies and I looked around and thought, how did I get everything I ever wanted?
There's that. That's why the exhaustion doesn't break me.
(Linus, introspective as usual.)
(Ambrose, climbing.)
(There is sibling love here, in spades.)
There's no smart or funny way to say it: these small people, and their dad, are the best things that have ever happened to me.
I hope this next year is easier than the past one has been, but even if it's not, we'll make it. Life gives like that.
It does get so much easier. ...Although, first there are the toddler years. Yes. Well. Let's think the way business people do: about how things will be in five years!
Posted by: Swistle | Wednesday, May 23, 2012 at 06:26 AM
We're going to hit 3 years with our twin boys next week! It's gotten better in some ways and harder in others. Congratulations and happy birthday to them!!!!
Posted by: Heather | Wednesday, May 23, 2012 at 10:39 AM
Kids are such a worthwhile pain in the neck. :)
Posted by: HereWeGoAJen | Wednesday, May 23, 2012 at 03:03 PM
What a lovely sweet post! You have such a beautiful family. I hope Year Two is much easier and brings you much happiness. (It's clear, from that gleeful climbing face, that there will be mischief.)
Posted by: Life of a Doctor's Wife | Wednesday, May 23, 2012 at 11:48 PM
Happy Birthday to Linus and Ambrose! Wait, the magic didn't happen, the switch didn't flip and they didn't become perfect eaters, sleepers, self-entertainers overnight??? Don't we all wish it worked like that!
I know the exhaustion. BTDT and am there once again. And then, when they are all in bed and actually asleep at the same time, you can sneak in and take a peek at them and BAM! The exhaustions melts away and all your feel is that enormous love. It's so overwhelming and all encompassing, and makes it all worth it.
Posted by: Michelle | Thursday, May 24, 2012 at 10:19 AM
I'm right in the middle of babyness at the moment with only ONE older kid and a baby who mostly sleeps through the night I absolutely don't know how you do it because I am tired.
Posted by: Erica | Friday, May 25, 2012 at 03:12 PM
Congratulations! I also couldn't wait until my twins turned 1 because I thought *magically* it would get easier. And it did...in some ways. My twins are almost 9 now and I would do anything to go back to those baby days....well maybe from 1 to 3 years old. It was just so cute to see 2 little people in the house. And just wait until they start talking to each other....it's amazing! :)
Posted by: PamL | Friday, May 25, 2012 at 11:02 PM
How did I get everything I ever wanted? Yes, that. I've been feeling that grace, too.
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Posted by: LIPUN | Sunday, June 03, 2012 at 12:24 PM
What a charming lovely post! You have such a wonderful household. I wish Season Two is much simpler and delivers you much pleasure.
Posted by: Marriage Counseling Jacksonville FL | Thursday, June 07, 2012 at 10:03 AM
Beautiful. I'm glad you got everything you wanted. May you also survive it!
Posted by: Kira | Saturday, June 09, 2012 at 01:13 AM