Milk

As of yesterday both Ambrose and Linus have been home from the hospital longer than they were there. In the blur of caring for two newborns and their older siblings (FOUR children. We have FOUR children!) our relatively short NICU stay is fading fast, but there is still one concrete reminder of it in the hospital-grade breastpump perched on the nightstand in our bedroom.

We brought it home when I was one day postpartum, still IV-fluids-puffy and stitches-sore, and to my hormone-flooded self it symbolized everything that was wrong with the situation. We were supposed to have two carseats in the backseat, and instead we had this machine that was supposed to get the babies' food out since they weren't here to do it. I was pumping only tiny bits of colostrum at that point, and that squat yellow pump mocked me with its whirring.

But the next day the tears brought my milk in, and I made a truce with the pump. I couldn't be with Linus and Ambrose most of the time, but here was something I could do for them from home. So I met with the pump every three hours and started enjoying the nurses' raised eyebrows when they saw the number of bottles I was bringing in. I filled our section of the NICU fridge, then a bin in the freezer, then another. After a week and a half, they told me I should stop bringing milk with me when I came.

(Triumph! But it felt strange to go see my babies empty-handed, and I was so glad to bring them home a few days later and start giving them milk directly.)

I told myself during my pregnancy that the one thing I wasn't worried about was breastfeeding. Nursing, maybe, since the babies could likely be born pre-term and have trouble latching, but I was sure I could at least provide breastmilk for them. In the past my oversupply had been epic, even painful, and I felt confident that my body would meet the challenge of feeding twins.

But then our babies were born more preterm than I'd expected, and I found myself able to pump only a few milliliters of colostrum at a time, and a nurse who examined me on day two told me my milk wasn't even starting to come in (she was wrong), and I started feeling panicky. I knew rationally that not being able to provide 100% breastmilk for preemie twins would be no huge failure. But my babies were lying in isolettes at the hospital and I needed to do this for myself as much as for them. 

Thus my relief when my body did meet the challenge. Here was something it could do right! My pump and I, in our new friendship, overachieved on behalf of those babies. I pushed myself to increase supply, so that by the end of my little guys' hospital stay I was producing roughly twice what they were eating each day. It was completely unnecessary, but it was my coping mechanism.

When we brought Ambrose home, we also brought a cooler with half a gallon of frozen milk in it. We stuck the little bottles in the deep freezer with the rest, a total of about 100 little 2-0z bottles of milk.

Since they got home, Linus and Ambrose have been nursing (more about that later) and drinking freshly pumped milk, gaining weight like the little champions they are.

Meanwhile, 200 ounces of breastmilk are hanging out in our freezer. When I spot them, I chuckle at my three-weeks-ago self, pumping all that extra milk.

But at the same time, I know exactly what she was thinking. She needed to do something hard, something extra, for her babies in the hospital, and it was the best thing she could come up with.

My babies didn't need the milk, but I did.

I wasn't thrilled with my body for letting Linus and Ambrose come out early, but as it works hard to nourish them and delivers beautifully, I'm starting to make peace with it again.

I look at the milk in the freezer and think, Thanks, body. You've done well.

Comments

[A'Dell]

This is EXACTLY how I felt about nursing with Claire after our huge struggle to even conceive her in the first place and then I ended up induced. Neither were anything to be ashamed of but I was upset.

It was SO GRATIFYING to be able to feed her and have too much milk and just pump and pump and feed and feed and there was still milk leftover after all of that. For all that my body had failed, it did one thing right (too right!). It's tangible and physical and measurable success and oh my gosh, I needed that at the time.

Way to go, Arwen. That milk is going to be super handy later on when you want to get away for a couple of days!

[Rachelclapointe]

Have you thought about donating any extra milk that you don't need? I know there's always moms, especially of preemies, that are interested!

[Kate]

I had a similar experience with Pascal's premature birth. I hated the whole NICU experience but I allied with the LC early on and I dedicated myself to the one thing I could give my babies that none of those doctors and nurses could. And when he came home I had a healthy stock of frozen breastmilk, and a champion nurser. The breast pump made me feel vaguely like a dairy cow when I used it (it's exactly the same ssh-shump. ssh-shump!!) but it made me feel like a mother with something to offer too.

[Tracy]

I'll echo and say that it is how I felt about breastfeeding my daughter after a rough pregnancy and delivery and NICU time. Something was working right - very right - and it had been a long time of having everything go wrong instead.

[Jessica]

Yay for milk! Surveying my frozen milk stash always made me feel so accomplished and prepared for emergencies.

[Bradsredhead]

Yes. Moments after I placed our perfect looking, three month old baby boy into the hands of the anesthesiologist for his open heart surgery, I choked down my sobs, hoisted that huge pump over my shoulder, and took the elevator to use one of the lactation rooms on the NICU floor. I had terrifying fear over what was taking place in that operating room, but by golly I knew I could pump. I took control over the one thing I could and doubled my milk supply by accident in the process (reading that part in yours made me giggle as I recalled how much of an oversupply I created).

Well done, indeed. :)

[Diane]

I think milk production must be your superpower. What a wonderful, tangible thing for you to be able to focus on when you had to be away from your babies. I'm so glad they are home with you and getting the milk without all that rhythmic whirring!

[Lauren]

This was beautiful. Love to you.

[Sarah in Ottawa]

I completely understand the feeling of 'satisfaction despite the odds' when having huge stores of milk. With Teddy's tongue tie and subsequent inability to latch...ever... and the fact that I was fighting so hard to pump, then hand express breat milk for him made the huge stockpile of milk in the freezer such a victory for me. I used it all up (he got breastmilk until he was nearly 18 months old) and I ended up helping out a friend who delivered while sick with H1N1/pneumonia and had initial supply issues.

It is also funny that I kept saving one lone bag on milk in the freezer. It came in incredibly handy when Veronica had a compromised latch (because of the intubation/chest compressions after delivery) and we needed to finger feed her for a day as my milk was coming in. She ended up hardly needing any and we gave the bulk of it to Teddy, but it was so comforting to have it.

I am so glad that you are feeling great again. You're amazing! Go Arwen!

[B.A.]

Dear Arwen,
I want to encourage you to let go of the idea that your body "failed" you or your children in any way. I want to encourage you to forgive yourself. Your body worked exactly as it needed to: you have two beautiful baby boys and two other beautiful children. Births, like children, give us what we need--all of it is a part of the path to heaven. I have never had premature births, but rather, the opposite. All were late--very late like 3.5 weeks on average. One was 5 weeks late. This wasn't due to miscalculations, but rather my body does what my body does. After six healthy children, I have made peace with it and I don't allow myself to be frustrated or think of it as a failure, except maybe that last week...! I firmly believe that God is in control of every part of us and this includes our bodies and that while you had hoped for a different outcome, this was what God gave you. It can wind up being debilitating and wounding to you if you don't make peace. I know it can be disappointing and there is a sadness that things did not go as you had hoped, and it is good to grieve that. However, your milk was not the only thing your body did right and I hope that you can eventually see and be proud of all the ways your body birthed exactly as He allowed.

[Rosemary]

Ah the satisfaction that comes with nourishing our babies. Go, Arwen!

[andreajennine]

I felt the same way! I thought we'd never get through the freezer stash. Then my preemie started drinking more and more (and I, exclusively pumping for my non-nurser, started producing less and less), and we ended up going through the supply in the freezer very quickly. So glad I "overdid" it when he couldn't eat much at all. Glad you've got such a great supply AND nursing babies!

[Loz]

at my worst oversupply I was making 400ml extra a day for my twins (that was about 2.2L or more a day I think?) thanks to the blinky pump and my twin 1, who can't nurse, needing me to use it. In fact it seriously used to upset their tummies as there was way too much foremilk, so I had to carefully cut back production. tricky business. I still find it very hard to balance pump production - while pumping I can get oversupply at the drop of a hat, and of course it's worse with twins because you can't really block feed.

I pumped exclusively for twin 1 (while breastfeeding her twin) for 6 months, then switched to half formula for her, half pumping (while still breastfeeding her brother), then at 8 months went back to work 2 days/week but quit pumping while at home, so she gets the milk I pump those two days and her twin gets formula those days to share the good stuff all out.

we started using up the freezer stash at about 8 months. I felt quite worried about it at first as it had been my security blanket, but it's rather nice having room in the deep freeze for food again!

Breastfeeding twins, one of whom has never been able to feed effectively, has been soooooooo much harder than breastfeeding my firstborn, but I had thumping oversupply with her too.

[Kristin]

Hello! I know you don't know me, but we've got something in common. I got your blog address off the Stirrup Queen's blogroll and was wondering if you wouldn't mind helping me help a couple who is trying to add a little one to their family. We're holding a silent auction for them this weekend (Friday and Saturday) on goteamwitt.blogspot.com and need help getting the word out! We would love it if you would spread the word via social media or here on your blog. Additionally, we are always looking for more donations to auction off, so if you or someone you know might be interested in making a donation, all the information is under the donate tab. If you have any questions or would be willing to post a pre-written blog post about the auction and the sponsored couple, please contact Kristin at goteamwitt@gmail.com Thanks in advance for taking the time to consider this!

[Terri C]

Hooray for four children!!! And hooray for all the ways in which your body cares/has cared for them all!

[Babes and Bellies]

As a mom whose breastfed twins just turned 1, I am proud of you. What an amazing woman you are. Do you plan to continue bfing them? I highly recommend a twin nursing pillow. It will cut your nursing time in 1/2! Your story has warmed my heart!