When I go back and check out my archives from early in my pregnancy with Camilla, I wonder why they're so sparse. I had no kids, no job, nothing to do but gestate and write in those days. Why didn't I write more?
But now that I'm gestating again, with a pregnancy that's similar to that first one, I remember. My pregnancy with Blaise was so mild compared to the all-day nausea that just makes me want to... well, to puke. Except that I really don't want to puke, because if I do I'll have eat again, and it's torturous to eat when absolutely nothing sounds good and I have to force myself to do it. Gross.
So yes, it's hard to find energy to write. Or to think of anything to write about except the pregnancy, because (as my friend Jen always says) pregnant women are the ultimate navel-gazers.
This baby, baby #3 for our family, will be due in June if all goes well. I was charting, so I'm fairly confident that the date of 40 weeks gestation is June 20th or 21st, which means the baby will probably be born in early June or (heaven forbid) late May. I'm thrilled to have a spring/summer baby because 1) I find everything easier to handle when we have 15 hours of daylight, and I'm sure that will apply to newborn fussy periods, and 2) there are so many fewer germs going around. I'd rather not have a newborn during RSV season again, thank you very much.
I find it, honestly, quite strange to be blogging about our THIRD baby when I started this blog as a way to work out my feelings about our quest for baby number one. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I'd known that this were the eventual end (or middle) of our family's story. But weirdly, I'm grateful for those years we waited - a lot of good ended up coming out of them.
The incredibly bizarre thing (for me) about this baby's conception was that it occurred in the VERY FIRST month during which we decided that we no longer had a good reason to wait. When I got pregnant with Camilla we'd been begging for a baby for years. When I got pregnant with Blaise we'd been praying for months that God would send us another baby "in his perfect timing." When I got pregnant with this baby, our feeling leading up to it was a shrug and a "well, I guess there's no reason NOT to..."
Doesn't that sound glamorous? But sometimes that's what being open to life looks like. It's not pretty, but that doesn't make it any less good.
We were staying with David and Lauren and Miriel when we found out I was pregnant, right at the 4-week mark. They were all thrilled, which was great because it helped me to process my own feelings about the whole thing.
I was decidedly overwhelmed at first, and it took Lauren's gentle reason to talk me down and help me focus on the fact that the most important reality here is not months of discomfort or hours of labor or a year of adjusting to having yet another tiny person to care for: it's the tiny person himself.
After we have him, we'll never look back and wish he didn't exist. We'll be grateful that God took the window we allowed him and gave us such an incredible gift.
(I love Lauren. Thank goodness for her.)
And the truth is, we have the necessary resources to care for this baby. We'll lose some free time and squeeze the budget a little (we have to buy a van now!) but it will be very much worth it.
We're having a third baby. What joy.