abc family: Blaise's Birth: Part 8

Part 1 is here.
Part 2 is here.
Part 3 is here.
Part 4 is here.
Part 5 is here.
Part 6 is here.
Part 7 is here.
Part 8 is here.

While I'm on the birthing ball, I manage pretty well. Yes, I'm no longer interested in being touched, but I'm weathering each contraction with no real difficulties.

As time moves along, the pain is deepening, strengthening. Earlier in my labor I could isolate it, relegate its effects to one part of me, but now each contraction brings pain for my whole self. I center my mind on my uterus with each excruciating swell; I've learned that refusing to sink into my contractions means losing my ability to ride them. I have to... sort of... join myself to the pain. I have to accept it to make it through it.

Labor pain is unlike any other pain I've felt. It's harder, yes (although I've heard there are other types of pain that are even worse) but that's not the main thing. What makes the difference for me is that this is productive pain. I know that each contraction serves a purpose, that my body is opening up so my baby can move down and out. Keeping that purpose in mind stops me from tensing and fighting the pain. I work with it.

But I have to be in my own space to do that, which is why I can't have Bryan touching me during my contractions. Between them, I want to hold his hand, hear his voice, have the comfort of his presence. Inside them, I have to go it alone.

(Although it occurs to me now, retrospectively, that perhaps the reason I was able to go it alone was that I was decidedly not doing so. As I prayed, "Abide..." through the pain I never felt I was alone in my head. I could feel the presence of God who gives life as his gift, and during my labor I was aware, in a subconscious but very real way, of the fact that this whole deal - our child's existence, his growth, his birth - was a miraculous testament to God's glory.

I never thought about that, consciously, at the time. But four-and-a-half months later it seems so obvious that it was the awareness of God's presence and providence that made Blaise's birth such an incredible experience for me.)

During contractions, even the ball on which I am swaying and bouncing ceases to exist for me. It's just me, riding the pain.

Part 9 is here.