abc family

Small Successes Thursday

1. I got both kids out of the house on my own yesterday.  What with one thing and another, this was actually the first time I've had to take them both somewhere without help.  We went to noon Mass at our parish, and we were ON TIME, no less!

2. For the first time since Blaise was born, I got dinner completely prepared before Bryan was home from work yesterday.  Since I almost always end up doing most (or all) of the dinner prep after he is home to help out, managing it without him is quite an achievement.

3. The other evening, I managed to nurse Blaise in the sling while walking around the grocery store.  When Camilla was a baby I could nurse her in the sling at home, but lacked the finesse to be discreet enough that I felt comfortable doing it in public.  I never even tried it with her.  But this time around I decided that I would be bold and just do it, so I brought the sling along on an outing when I knew Blaise would need to nurse, at a place where there are no good alternative places to nurse.  (Unless you count nursing standing up in a bathroom stall to be a good alternative, which I certainly do not.)  When the baby started making hungry grunting noises, I slid him into the sling, he latched on like the champion he is, and we were doing it!  I kept my coat on over the whole deal for extra privacy, but really I'd be surprised if one out of ten people who saw us had a clue what was going on.

Share your small successes here.

Ash Wednesday

My (somewhat jumbled as a result of my sleep-deprived brain) thoughts on Lent are over at Faith & Family Live!

7 Quick Takes - Photo Edition

-1-

These pictures were taken when Blaise was a week old, before he got sick.  Look how tiny and jaundiced he was!  Also, look at the stains on our carpet.  Yuck!

On a more positive note, I posted these pictures because I love how they showcase Camilla's desire to play with her new brother.  In the second one he is clutching the chicken head from her favorite set of animal blocks.  She was very sure he wanted to hold the chicken specifically; I'm not sure how she knew.

Sometimes at random moments Camilla will suddenly have one of these flashes of insight into his mind.  "Blaise wants to play with this truck!" she'll declare, and perch it on top of him while he nurses.  Funny and cute in a Toddlers are Weird sort of way.

-2-

Right after Blaise was born, the various baby-holding devices suddenly became receptacles for members of Camilla's army of dolls and stuffed animals.  I'd go to put the baby in the swing and meet the innocent stare of a small teddy bear.

And it was not only necessary for us to be quiet when the baby was sleeping; we must also be quiet when, for instance, the big red plush dog was sleeping.

The baby sleeps more, but the dog is lower-maintenance.

-3-

Another baby-holding device that fascinates the toddlers is the sling, and their creative aunt (my youngest sister, who visited for a week and saved my life) fashioned makeshift slings out of baby blankets for Camilla and Daniel to put their stuffed animals in.  They loved it.  In that second picture they are kissing the animals, which melts my heart.

Admittedly my heart is already somewhat melty, but still.

-4-

I took a number of shots to try to get a Blaise-and-Matthew comparison picture and this was the best of the lot.  Here is a comparison of Camilla and Daniel soon after her birth.  Oddly enough the age difference is smaller between Camilla and Daniel and yet the size difference looks more dramatic in that picture.  Probably just the angle at which this one was taken, or something.

As Camilla tells me often, Daniel is her "best friend."  (Although just now I asked her who her best friend is and she chirped, "Blaise!" which is of course even better.)  I wonder if the bond between Blaise and Matthew will be as strong since they will have older siblings in the mix.  I sort of visualize all of them running around in a big energetic pack, and I'm sure Matthew will idolize his older brother.  But any way, it'll be interesting to see.

-5-

This picture of Blaise reminds me of this one of Camilla, and they were both about a month old when the pictures were taken.  All I remember when I see hers, though, is that I took it when she was sleeping in a rare respite from crying.  Life during those days was a blur of dealing with the screaming and brainstorming trying to isolate the cause so that we could do something to MAKE IT STOP.

A timely flashback, really, since this has definitely been Blaise's fussiest week yet.  He has reflux, which took us a while to figure out but when I finally Googled and found a list of the symptoms it was like a lightbulb went off over my head.  So THAT was what all the choking and gurgling and spitting up meant!  He rarely screams the way Camilla used to but when the reflux got bad he did stop sleeping for more than an hour at a time, which in some ways is even worse.  Since Tuesday he's been on a small dose of Zantac which appears to be helping quite a bit, and for the nights I have constructed a sort of co-sleepers' reflux wedge out of pillows so that I sleep propped up and Blaise sleeps in my arms.  It helps, and it is not ideal but it is temporary and I can stand anything in finite amounts.  (See: two unmedicated labors.)

Truly, what is getting me through this time is the certain knowledge that it, too, shall pass.  When Camilla was a newborn there was a part of me that did not believe she would ever grow out of it; this time around I have been there and I know that the baby will get older, I will eventually get to sleep again, and it will all be better and easier.  And that is real consolation, even at 2:00 in the morning.

-6-

When Blaise was in the hospital the real scorer in terms of swag was Camilla, who after ten days of his stay had acquired four new board books, three new coloring books, a new toy, and a snowman pillow and a snowman bracelet that she got to make herself in the activity room.

But the best thing she got to bring home was the disposable stethoscope that had been in our room; since Blaise had RSV all the staff had to wear gowns and masks when they came in and there was a stethoscope that was kept in the room so they wouldn't get his germs on their own personal stethoscopes.  Apparently they just get thrown away after the patient leaves; the nurse at discharge actually cleaned this one with alcohol wipes so we could take it home with us.

Billa likes to put it around her neck.  "I'm a doctor!" she says.  And she won't put the pieces in her ears (too "pokey") but she loves to listen to the hearts and lungs of any patients she can find.  Even inanimate ones.

-7-

 

Look how big!  And with the double chin!  Although it's been one of the longest months of my life, I can't believe he's a month old already.

(More Quick Takes here.)

Newer Ones Coming Soon

I was cleaning off the desktop of my computer and discovered a folder marked "Blog 01.28," full of pictures I'd resized and exported from Picasa to post on my blog.

I did it on the afternoon of Wednesday the 28th.  That evening we went to my sister's house for dinner.  Twelve hours later we'd been admitted to the hospital, and it would be ten days after that before Blaise would be discharged.

The time before Blaise got sick is hazy to me now.  I'd meant to write about these photos but whatever I was going to say has faded.  Still, I want to post them here because I don't want that time to be missing in this log.  So here they are.

Us in the hospital, Camilla meeting her baby brother for the first time:

A family of four!

I love this picture of my little tiny son:

Is she a proud big sister?  Or is she just hoping we'll look away soon so she can have a chance to poke him?  You decide:

Cuddlebug:

Small Successes Thursday

I'm working my way slowly back into blogging with this post, which is a participation in our Small Successes activity over at Faith & Family Live!  Hop over there to be encouraged with links to lots of other lists of small successes - and to share your own!

My small successes this week:

1. Managing to schedule not one but two doctor's appointments for Blaise, plus a midwife appointment for me.  I am a notorious procrastinator when it comes to making appointments, and making three in one week is a big achievement for me!  Plus, I actually remembered to put all the appointments on my own personal calendar on my iPod and on the family Google calendar.

2. I got the laundry done.  The laundry room floor is completely empty right now, and almost all the clothes have been folded and put away.  And yes, I was probably only able to accomplish this because I have my sister staying and helping out this week, but still.  Laundry clean.  Score.

3. I tried making fried rice for the first time ever, and it actually turned out well.  I did a little reading online about fried-rice-making techniques and read a few recipes to get info about proper rice-to-oil-to-sauce ratios... and then I just winged it, and it was delicious!  So excited that it was a success, and can't wait to make it again.

Home

At 2:00 this morning Blaise awoke and nursed in bed, and then started letting out little angry squawks.  I couldn't calm him quickly and was afraid he'd wake Camilla, so I brought him out to the living room and settled us in the recliner.  He was clearly dealing with a little gas, but was mostly satisfied by rocking and patting; only occasionally did I have to get to my feet and bounce him a little.

It took more than an hour for my little baby to work through his gas and go back to sleep, an hour that I would much rather have spent warm in my bed.  Nevertheless, as I rocked there in the dark I leaned my head against the back of the recliner and felt nothing but gratitude.

I was grateful to be in such a nice comfortable chair instead of trying to rock back and forth sitting cross-legged on a hard hospital mattress.  I was grateful that if I needed to, I could go in the other room and wake Bryan to take a turn rocking the baby.  I was grateful that I could swaddle Blaise up without having to worry about a tube and a wire getting in the way.

I was grateful to be home.

I updated Twitter last evening so I hope most of you already knew, but Blaise was discharged yesterday afternoon around 4pm.  He was finally able to keep his oxygen saturation numbers up without supplementation and his lungs sounded, in the pediatrician's words, "excellent."  He was better and ready to come home!

And I've spent the past day just soaking it up, loving everything about the blessed normalcy of our life right now.  I am utterly tapped out physically and I still have some emotional recovering to do, but mainly I am just so happy.

We took it one day at a time and we knew it would eventually be over and now it finally is.  Praise God!

Longer Update

Yesterday, as those of you who follow me on Twitter may have guessed, was a rough day.

Wednesday evening Blaise was off oxygen for five hours, then stayed on only 1/8 liter overnight, and yesterday morning I was feeling very hopeful that we'd be able to take him home by the evening.  Then a talk with the pediatrician who is currently in charge of Blaise's care made me realize that my expectations about what Blaise's numbers need to look like before we can go home were a little unrealistic.  I'd been hoping for no more nights in the hospital, and suddenly had to face the fact that only two or three more nights would be a best-case scenario, and four or six or eight more was not out of the question.

(For those of you not counting along carefully at home, tonight will be the ninth night we've spent here.)

I've been having a hard time since Blaise was born, and especially since he's been hospitalized.  I feel like I've spent his entire life either (a) being afraid he was going to get sick, or (b) dealing with him being sick.  I get stress stomachaches; I have zero appetite; I'm sad because I'm not enjoying my little son's newborn days the way I'd like to be doing.  Not surprisingly, I cry often.

But yesterday morning sent me into a tailspin.  I could not stop crying all day long.  I kept trying to get it under control, kept trying to pray harder and think more reasonably and get a hold of myself, but I could not do it.  By the evening, after Bryan and I had eaten Thai food that tasted to me like cardboard and started watching a funny movie that felt to me like a bitter reminder that other people get to live lives outside the hospital, I admitted to him that I thought I needed help.  Nothing extreme, just someone to talk to who wasn't also going through this stressful time.  The nurse happened to pop her head in at that moment and catch me bawling, and offered to call a social worker for me.

So after Blaise's next feeding I walked downstairs and spent an hour talking with a social worker.  And it was really good.  She listened to me, showed me that I was not indeed collapsing but in fact having a normal reaction to a crisis situation, and helped me to strategize ways to arrange the things that are in my control so that the things which are out of my control would not seem so overwhelming. 

I came back up to our room feeling much better equipped to make it through the rest of our time here.  And this morning I started making plans for how we're going to deal with it if/when we are still in the hospital on Monday, because that was being one of the main stressors for me: imagining how we'll manage all this when Bryan goes back to work, which he absolutely must at the beginning of next week.  We've got a plan in place now, and it helps.

There are social workers available every day and I'm going to be talking with one daily for the rest of our stay here, to get some much-needed extra emotional support.  I'm giving myself permission to grieve, especially about the fact that these precious newborn days with Blaise have been so disrupted by his illness, and about the normal family life that we're missing during this time.  I am focusing as much as possible on the good things: that Blaise is not seriously ill, that we are blessed to have such a healthy family in general (being at the children's hospital has really driven home that reality to me), that our time at the hospital is finite and that we are nine days closer to the end of it than we were when we got here.

And most of all, of course, I am praying for grace.  For the grace of healing for my little baby Blaise, for the grace of resilience and peace for Camilla, for the grace of strength and perseverance and peace for Bryan and me. 

Today was a much better day for me, and I have confidence that I will make it through the rest of our time here - whether it is two or four or even eight more days.  Yesterday I was not sure I could, so that is a big step.

As for Blaise, he continues to improve very slowly.  The only thing they are still doing for him is pumping oxygen up his nose.  For days now he has been on 1/4 or 1/8 of a liter.  When we take him off the oxygen he does fine when he's awake, but his saturation levels dip when he is asleep and it's not safe for him to go home while they're still doing that.  I know we are seeing improvement because a few days ago he couldn't keep his levels up even while awake, but it's frustrating that it's happening so slowly.

The doctors have two things to say about this: one, that it's normal for tiny newborns to take a long time to recuperate because their bodies simply aren't very strong yet, and two, that it often happens that babies will need oxygen for quite a while and then very suddenly not need it any more.  Those things are reassuring to know.

I'd been feeling disappointed that God wasn't granting the healing for Blaise that so many people were praying hard for.  But it occurred to me yesterday that perhaps He has been.  Blaise's condition could have been so much worse - the doctor told me about another newborn with RSV who is in the pediatric ICU on a ventilator - and we've been really blessed that he was never in danger and is recovering on his own.  It is a mercy that my greatest source of worry and stress during this time is nothing worse than the trial of having our family split up.

We continue to need your prayers every minute, of course.  I can't tell you how grateful I am for every one of you who has prayed and thought of us during these difficult days.

6:00am Reminder...

...to stop by my Twitter page for more frequent updates on Blaise's condition. We're still in the hospital; might be here one more night; might not. But either wayI will keep Twitted current.

Another Quick Update

Typing this one-handed, so it will be short, but wanted to give a little update.

We're still in the hospital.  We've now been here for five nights, and there is some hope that we'll be here for only one night more.  Blaise has needed only .25 liter of oxygen during the day for three days now, although they had to turn it up to .5 liter the night before last and again when he was sleeping very deeply between 4:00 and 7:00 this morning.

The pessimist/realist in me doesn't see how we can possibly get Blaise weaned off the oxygen and have him off it for twelve hours in time for us to go home tomorrow.

But the optimist in me takes consolation in the fact that the attending doctor here seems to think it might be possible.  Blaise has been improving slowly but steadily for several days now, and babies can apparently turn the corner into good health quite quickly.

Most of all I am holding to the truth that medical numbers and predictions are as naught in the light of real Power.  As one of the commenters on my Faith & Family post wrote yesterday, "God has the final say."

And today - by no coincidence, I am sure - is the feast of St. Blaise.  We will need something exceptional and unexpected to get our little Blaise back into shape in the next twenty-four hours... but exceptional and unexpected is exactly in God's line.  And I feel sure that St. Blaise is happily going to bat for his little namesake as we ask him to do so today.  I am feeling hopeful in light of that fact, and will be praying fervently for St. Blaise's intercession all day today. 

But no matter what happens, we will get through this by God's grace.  In the meantime I will try to keep updating here, and will definitely be updating my Twitter if anything changes.