Outdone
About six months before Camilla was born, Bryan and I calculated that if we wanted to have children fewer than three years apart, and given the two-and-a-half years it had taken to conceive Camilla, we needed to start trying pretty much immediately. Ridiculous, of course, since I was pregnant at the time, but we were in a goofy mood that day so we decided we would officially go on record - between ourselves, anyway - as "trying" for baby number two. We thought we were pretty cute.
What we didn't think was that it would actually work.
Two weeks ago at Mass I had a particularly fruitful meditation time after communion. I'd been realizing that I needed to store up some emotional reserves for the upcoming birth of my sister's baby; as much as I've been doing well with being nothing but happy about her pregnancy, I knew that the appearance of an actual infant could make me struggle a little to hold on to the peace I've been enjoying over the past months. As I knelt there and looked up at the crucifix I prayed the prayer I've prayed so many times before: for the grace to let His will be mine. And I was renewed, as I've been so many times before, in the assurance that whatever that will is, I can come up with no better path for my life.
The funny thing was that I also realized during that meditation that there is a part of me that sees more years of childlessness as the lighter burden. I'd been feeling a little unwell recently, had been tired and nauseated, I assumed because of some bug, and it had reminded me that pregnancy, although certainly a blessing, can sometimes take the form of a cross as well. The hardness of daily life as a mother - and watching my sister prepare to bring home a newborn all over again - had reminded me that motherhood itself can be a path to sanctity through suffering. And although I know through personal experience that motherhood also brings more joy than infertility, there was a tiny part of me, in that moment, that was slightly relieved at the idea that I might draw the physically-easier (although spiritually more challenging, for me anyway) card and spend the next years being sanctified in my wait for a child rather than in bearing more of them.
Really, if I'd been writing a story I don't think I could have written it better. Foreshadowing, plot twists, and the charming heroine oblivious to the whole drama. Very, very clever.
It was (I thought) cycle day twenty-four and so I had no suspicions about my daily-increasing exhaustion and nausea. But that day, Sunday, after a depressing afternoon of I-just-want-a-nap and I'm-hungry-but-all-food-sounds-disgusting, I finally agreed that it might be a good idea if Bryan ran out and bought a pregnancy test. Not, of course, because it could possibly be positive. But just so I could rule it out and get on with my life as the victim of an icky virus.
I cannot overemphasize how sure I was that the test would be negative. It was cycle day 24, in the evening, way too early to possibly be having pregnancy symptoms, and anyway I'd thought I hadn't even ovulated that month. I was so certain that the news would be nothing that I took the test when Bryan was in the bedroom putting Camilla to sleep for the night. When the second blue line showed up, clear as day, I was shocked, and actually grabbed for the instructions to make sure I wasn't supposed to be looking for a cross instead of two lines, looking for something, anything, that would explain this insanity. No, there it was. The test was definitely telling me that I was pregnant.
I stared at the crazy little thing for a while. I then found a calendar and puzzled for a long time over when this could possibly have happened so that I'd already be having symptoms and getting a strong positive pregnancy test on the evening of cycle day twenty-four. (It's taken me two weeks to come to this conclusion, but I've finally decided that my last period must have been not a period at all but misleadingly-timed implantation spotting.) I must have shaken my head a hundred times, I was so bewildered by the whole thing.
Just before my head started to ache from all the shaking, and an interminable twenty minutes after the pregnancy test had dried, Bryan came out of the bedroom. So trusting was he of my earlier assurances that it would be negative that he was completely unsuspecting, and I had to remind him that I'd been going to take a test before I showed it to him and blew his socks off. Then he stared at the wall for a long, long while.
I left him and drove to the store to buy Unisom which was one of my reliable nausea-reducers during my last pregnancy, and when I came home I had been listening to Fernando Ortega in the car and my face was covered with happy tears and Bryan and I sat together on the couch, holding hands, meditating on things to come and God's amazing goodness to us.
And still, and always, it remains true that the things He brings to us are far greater than anything we could imagine ourselves.
Oh, OH! Oh, CONGRATULATIONS!
I am just filled with joy for you. Truly. YESSSSSSSSSS. Filled! With! Joy!
Posted by: Tessie | Saturday, July 05, 2008 at 11:38 PM
Hooray! This is such wonderful news! I am crying happy tears as well!
Posted by: Jen | Saturday, July 05, 2008 at 11:47 PM
CONGRATULATIONS!! For some reason, I've always been sure that you guys will have a passel of children! That first few years was just a test of your patience.
Posted by: Amanda | Saturday, July 05, 2008 at 11:53 PM
tee hee--do we have clinical confirmation of how far along you are yet?
Dei gratia.
Posted by: Jennifer | Saturday, July 05, 2008 at 11:54 PM
Congratulations!
Posted by: Jeanne | Saturday, July 05, 2008 at 11:54 PM
Just plain thrilled for you both! Congratulations!
Posted by: Ariella | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Congratulations!!! I'm so, so happy for you! How absolutely wonderful!
Posted by: Pippi | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Congratulations! I'm so happy for you.
Posted by: parodie | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 12:01 AM
What fabulous news! Congratulations a million times over.
Posted by: Stephanie | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 12:14 AM
Every time you have a new blog post I wonder if it's going to contain an awesome announcement like this!! Congrats!
Posted by: kelly jeanie | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 12:16 AM
Oh happy day!
Posted by: Annika | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 12:17 AM
Oh, so, SO happy for you! That is wonderful, beautiful news!
Posted by: Shelby | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 12:22 AM
Happiness overflows here for you! I am so delighted that you have been granted this gift!!!
Posted by: Tracy | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 12:36 AM
I've been reading your blog for over a year now and have been hoping and praying you would have another little one soon. I'm SOOOOO happy to know you've been blessed with a new baby. You are a wonderful mother and Christian and an example to us all. May God bless and protect you both in the months to come!!
Posted by: Emeth Hesed | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 12:46 AM
Awwww....congratulations!!!! I'm so thrilled for you! So how far along are you then? I think it's so great that you and your sister have kids all so close in age. Those cousins are going to be a riot when they get together!!
Posted by: Dooneybug | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 12:52 AM
Hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mary, mom to many
Posted by: owlhaven | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 01:03 AM
Hooray! Congrats! This is so, so wonderful for you three.
Posted by: Manda | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 01:27 AM
Somehow, I just knew that one of your upcoming posts would have this news, sooner rather than later. Congratulations! Thank you for sharing your news with us.
We all wish you all the best.
Posted by: Kate | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 01:57 AM
Congratulations!!!!
Posted by: Julie | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 02:07 AM
Oh, oh, oh!!!! I'm THRILLED for you. How very, very exciting! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
Posted by: Ellen | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 02:47 AM
WONDERFUL news!! Congratulations!
Posted by: Kelly | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 07:19 AM
YAY!!
Posted by: The Sojourner | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 07:48 AM
I'm overjoyed for you, Arwen -- I too never imagined I could be so happy to be nauseated, burpy, and refluxy as when I was pregnant. This little one could not have been luckier in the parent lottery.
Posted by: Star | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 07:48 AM
Congratulations, Arwen! That's AWESOME news:)
Posted by: Laura | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 08:00 AM
Congratulations! What wonderful news. :)
Posted by: KatieButler | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 08:04 AM
Congratulations to you and your family!! I've been a lurker here from time to time. Your blog is great.:)
Posted by: Heather | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 08:39 AM
Congratulations!!!!
Posted by: Janssen | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 09:08 AM
Awesome, how wonderful!!!!!
Posted by: Amy | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 09:23 AM
Wow, Congrats!
Posted by: Christy | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 09:24 AM
This touched my heart. Anna Sofia came to us much sooner than we'd imagined and while it was shocking (to me, ever the doubter that this TTC thing could actually work without much TTC'ing) it was such an incredible blessing.
Many many congratulations to you and your family and wishes for a happy, healthy pregnancy.
Posted by: Ninotchka | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 09:39 AM
I am in tears! Not only am I SO SO happy for you, that was a beautifully written post!
Posted by: VHMPrincess | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 10:09 AM
I am so happy for you!
(I keep thinking that you and your sisters will be like my mother and her sisters -- all of us cousins have another cousin within six months of age, even when there are years between the rest!)
And I can't wait to hear about Camilla being a big sister.
Posted by: Meg | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 10:22 AM
YAY! Oh, Arwen, I'm thrilled! I'm really looking forward to reading along with this pregnancy as we did with Camilla. And in the years to come, when we move back to Michigan, our passel of kiddos can frolic with your passel. ;-)
Kate
Posted by: Kate | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 10:26 AM
Wonderful Happy News! Congratulations!
Posted by: ksmaybe | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 10:30 AM
That's so exciting! Congratulations! Praying that all goes well.
Posted by: Pigwotflies | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 10:32 AM
Oh! Hurray! Hello, new baby, we're so glad you're here!
Posted by: CJ | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 10:43 AM
I am so beyond thrilled for you and Bryan, and for Camilla that she'll have a little brother or sister. You'll be in my prayers for a safe and healthy pregnancy and delivery!!!
What a blessing!
Posted by: Southern Comfortable | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 11:03 AM
Congratulations! What wonderful news - I am so happy for you. God's plan and timing is awesome.
Posted by: Amanda | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 11:28 AM
This is a wonderful post. God is so good!!
Posted by: Liz | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 11:30 AM
Hurray! Congratulations, Arwen. Two is so much easier than one (after the first year, anyway). You're going to love having another baby.
Posted by: Sarah | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 12:10 PM
Eeeeeeeee!! Another addition for me to love! That completely made my day. Oh, I am just so joyful. I wish I could give you a great big hug. Congratulations, Arwen & Bryan! I believe congratulations are also in order for the new big sister. :o)
Posted by: Lindsay | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 12:12 PM
Oh Arwen - congratulations! I was just thinking about you and your family whilst at mass. What great news to come home to! Hooray!!
Posted by: Sarah in Ottawa | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 12:37 PM
Congrats to the whole family! I'm so happy for you.
Posted by: Lisa | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 01:25 PM
Congratulations dearest Arwen! I am so very, very happy for you!
Posted by: Caroline | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 01:25 PM
I cried reading this post. I'm so happy for you 3. What wonderful news!
Congratulations and wishes for an easy first trimester! Many hugs.
Posted by: halloweenlover | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 01:52 PM
I'm thrilled for you and your family! God Bless you!!!!!! And congratulations. God is good.
Posted by: Holly | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 02:17 PM
What a blessing! I'm so happy for you!
Posted by: Lisa | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 02:33 PM
Oh, congratulations!!! What wonderful news! New life - a perfect thing to celebrate on the Lord's Day.
Posted by: Meika | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 02:52 PM
Congratulations. I'm so glad your prayers were answered.
Posted by: Sarah | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 02:56 PM
Quam dilecta! This made my day! ;)
Posted by: Hoo | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 03:05 PM
YAY!!!! Joyous news!!!
What an awesome story to tell the little one someday!
Hoping and praying for an easier pregnancy for you this time around. If that doesn't work we can start an "apples and peanut butter" fund!
Posted by: MaryB | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 03:17 PM
Congratulations!!
Posted by: Mrs. T | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 03:36 PM
Congratulations!!!
Posted by: cjmr | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 04:17 PM
So awesome!
Posted by: Alishia | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 05:06 PM
I'll add my happy congratulations! Camilla will be a great sister :)
Posted by: Michele | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 06:19 PM
Aw that so awesome!! :) Very happy for you all!
Posted by: miranda | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 08:00 PM
Congratulations!! This is such awesome news! Like others have commented I too have recently been reading your posts waiting for this news... :)
Posted by: Michelle | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 08:04 PM
You trusted, even though you were never guaranteed the outcome you desired. I respect your faith so much, Arwen, and I am so so happy that God has given you such an amazing gift. And even happier that you know exactly how to appreciate it.
Best to you, Brian and Camilla from our entire family!!
Posted by: Emily | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 08:32 PM
Yee-hah! Congratulations to you and Bryan!
Posted by: Slim | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 08:57 PM
Congratulations! God truly gives good gifts to His children. My eyes welled with tears just imagining your happiness and thankfulness!
Posted by: Jen W. | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 09:18 PM
Such wonderful news...! Amazing and precious surprise. I am very happy for you, congratulations.
Posted by: jv | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 09:37 PM
Arwen, I'm just grinning from ear to ear after reading your post! Congratulations! I am so happy for you!
Posted by: Indiana Mommy | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 09:42 PM
That is so great. I am now carrying a miracle baby and I am trying to decide what to do as soon as it is born..... try again? The info helps :)
Posted by: JEN | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 10:03 PM
I *totally* knew this would happen :) (OK, I kept hoping it would anyway!) Congratulations! And I hope the Unisom works.
Posted by: Sonetka | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 10:42 PM
That's incredible news! Congrats!!
Posted by: Tara | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 11:02 PM
Congratulations, Arwen. This is such wonderful news!
Blessings!
Amy
Posted by: ladywithasong | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 11:33 PM
Oh, what a sweet post! Congrats!
Posted by: Carrie | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 01:15 AM
Allow me to add to all these congratulations! Wonderful news.
Posted by: Maren | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 01:18 AM
Oh, how exciting! Congratulations to you all.
Posted by: Pearl | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 06:41 AM
Congratulations! For some reason, I've been thinking this was coming soon. I'm so glad for all of you!
Posted by: mary | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 08:57 AM
Oh my goodness! Congratulations!!! I'm so excited for you!
Posted by: Charlotte | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 09:49 AM
Yay! Yay! Yay!
Posted by: Jen | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 09:52 AM
Congratulations. This post is so full of hope and faith and wonderful news. Wishing you all the best.
Posted by: Drew | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 10:00 AM
Congratulations! You give hope to those still waiting in the trenches...
Posted by: andrea_jennine | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 10:54 AM
Congratulations! This same thing happened to me, and at 24 weeks along, I am just now feeling the reality of it!
Posted by: hydrogeek | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 11:02 AM
Praise God!! I'm so happy for you guys!
Posted by: Ted | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 11:03 AM
Congratulations!! What a beautiful post.
Posted by: TheSpectrum | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 11:04 AM
Yea! So happy for all of you! Congrats!
Posted by: Robyn | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 11:07 AM
Congratulations to you all! So very happy for the three of you. Well, actually, the four of you. ;)
Posted by: alicia | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 11:11 AM
Congratulations! Blessed be God for the miracle of life. I will pray that despite the morning sickness you, Brian, and Camilla will enjoy this beautiful time as you await the next family member. May God give you the grace and the strength you need to chase around a toddler and nourish the new life within. :)
Posted by: Autumn | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 12:05 PM
Congratulations! So thrilled for you all. Best to you as you grow this little one.
Posted by: Laura | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 01:11 PM
Let me be person #82 to tell you Congratulations! What wonderful happy news! :-)
Posted by: Christina | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 01:16 PM
Congrats!!! This is such exciting news-I'm very happy for you and your family (soon to be one more!)
Posted by: jessica | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 03:40 PM
OH! So exciting!! Congratulations to you, Bryan, and Camilla.
Posted by: nonsoccermom | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 04:15 PM
How wonderful!! Congratulations!!
Posted by: Simone | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 04:44 PM
Oh, Arwen! Congratulations! What beautiful news. I'm asking St. Gerard to join me in praying for a very happy and healthy pregnancy for you.
Posted by: Layla | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 05:18 PM
May this one sleep in 6 hour stretches by 8 weeks.
I'm thrilled for you!
Posted by: Christine | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 05:49 PM
Congratulations :)! Unisom saved me too - took it until the baby came out!
Posted by: Pam | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 07:05 PM
Oh my goodness! I'm so happy for you.
Posted by: Diane | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 07:15 PM
Fabulous!
Congrats!
Posted by: Megan | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 07:58 PM
Oh, congratulations!!! This is such wonderful news.
Posted by: Ruth | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 08:19 PM
ARWEN!!!!!!!!!! You just made my night! SO thrilled for you! Let's talk soon on the phone again, ok?
Posted by: Rach | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 09:50 PM
Arwen!!!!!
Wow!
I was not expecting this when I logged on tonight. Many blessings to you and your family. Congratulations!
Posted by: Louise | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 10:28 PM
Yay! Congrats and blessings to you.
Posted by: Sacha | Monday, July 07, 2008 at 11:12 PM
I am just tickled for you all. A super congratulations!!!
Posted by: Duchess | Tuesday, July 08, 2008 at 12:04 AM
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arwen, that's AMAZING news!!!!!
I am so happy for you, YAY!!
:-)
Posted by: Keri P | Tuesday, July 08, 2008 at 12:28 AM
Long-time lurker delurking to offer very best wishes. God DOES love surprises, no?
Posted by: terri c | Tuesday, July 08, 2008 at 01:06 AM
Holy Cow, congratulations!!! Hooray! I'm so happy for you! We just had our second a little over three months ago. :-D
Posted by: Sarah | Tuesday, July 08, 2008 at 01:16 AM
God bless all four of you! This is so wonderful!
Posted by: Gregaria | Tuesday, July 08, 2008 at 03:01 AM
YAY!! What a great story. Lots of prayers for you. :)
Posted by: ashley | Tuesday, July 08, 2008 at 08:17 AM