Can I Get an Amen?

I had my first troll this weekend.  I've had unsavory comments before: some unnecessarily vehement disagreement with my positions on issues, as well as a personal attack by a former boss who had the mistaken impression that he could achieve anonymity on the Internet.  But I don't really consider those trolls.  I know I play hardball when I express controversial opinions here, and people who are arguing about issues rather than attacking me personally can't be considered trolls, no matter how fierce they get.  As for the boss thing - which did unsettle me, but ultimately was a good lesson in relying on my instincts when I sense people are untrustworthy -  I don't think he could be considered a troll because I knew him in real life.

But this troll was a true troll.  She came; she squatted under my bridge where I couldn't see her face; she grumbled several nasty, pejorative things; she left.  Her entire purpose in visiting here was to spread meanness.  I imagine she left feeling better about herself, but she certainly didn't enrich her life or her soul in any way.

I deleted the comments when I found them.  I'm all for reasoned discourse and criticism, but I'm not interested in preserving nastiness for its own sake.  And honestly, although I certainly wasn't happy about the whole thing, I wasn't shedding tears over it either.  Her comments bugged me the way it might bug me if I found a rotten spot on an apple I was eating, the way any disorder in my world bugs me.  But they didn't reach me, didn't affect me on a deeper level.  It took me a while to figure out why, but I finally did.

I go to confession on a regular basis.  It's an excellent source of grace, it's humbling, and - most importantly in this case - it does a great job of keeping me in touch with my weak points.  I know where I fail on a day-to-day basis, and if the troll had known to attack me there, she could have done some damage.  If she'd known to call me out for being impatient, for having a sharp tongue, for the fact that my laundry is never done and my bathrooms are rarely clean, that would have hurt.  Instead, she called me a bad mother.

I have many, many failings.  But I am a darn good mother.  And this is not a case of my protesting too much because I have secret doubts.  Deep down, at the very core of my being, I am sure that I am a good mother.

I actually feel that knowing this is part of what makes me good at it.  I go with my instincts.  I don't doubt myself.  I trust Bryan as a father and believe wholeheartedly that the two of us together are the best possible parents for this beautiful little girl we're raising.

I credit my own parents for the confidence.  They themselves were natural, instinctive, confident parents who taught me that parenting is not a set of skills or a job in which one's performance is judged by the standards of "experts," but a relationship.  They taught me that being a good parent does not mean conforming to those "expert"-determined standards for feeding and clothing and teaching my child; it means putting my child before myself, understanding her, responding to her, loving her.

I'm a good parent because I do that every day.  Sometimes I consult data, and it influences me to do things like breastfeed and put my daughter in flexible-soled shoes and regulate her sugar intake, but doing those things does not make me a good parent.  I could do all those things perfectly and still be a horrible parent.  I'm a good parent because I love Camilla and do my honest-to-God best for her, day in and day out, and I know it's working because she is happy and thriving and loves me back.

Like I said, I'm fully aware of this, which is why the troll couldn't really hurt me.  But I still feel bugged by her and what her comment represents.

Mothers have this awful tendency - especially on the Internet, I've noticed - to tear other mothers down.  I think it's a product of our own insecurities.  We're convinced we don't measure up, so it makes us feel better to think that some other people, at least, are even worse than we are.  The whole thing makes mothers as a group incredibly vulnerable.  It makes us vulnerable to each other, and it makes us vulnerable to people like my troll, who came across my site, saw I had a child, and decided immediately that "you're a crappy mother" should be an effective way to pounce.

This is bad.  Now sure, it's human nature to be competitive and antagonistic (although a part of human nature that we should attempt to civilize, in my opinion), and certainly mothers have been criticizing each other through out all of human history.  But today's parenting culture makes attacking each other so. darn. easy.

There is a huge industry based on the practice of implying that parents are doing it wrong, then selling them something so they can do it right.  You can buy  a dizzying array of products designed to make your child healthier, safer, smarter, and happier than all the other children on the block.  Many of these products are valuable in themselves.  But the marketing behind them - the idea that your child has a God-given right to an organic diet and the safest car seat on the market and a collection of educational toys that will have him reading by age three - stinks. 

A child has a God-given right to his parents' unconditional love.  If that is present, then the parents truly have the child's best interests in mind and (assuming basic knowledge of safety and nutrition) can be trusted to make the series of decisions and compromises that constitute life in a world with limited resources.  A time-saving fast-food lunch, a budget-saving lower-end car seat, or a sanity-saving video do not a bad parent make.  It is the relationship between child and parent that matters.

But that is not what we hear in our culture.  What we hear is that the experts know what's best, and that we should toe the line. 

Setting aside the not-insignificant fact that much of the "expert" parenting information given over just the past hundred years has turned out to be wrong, the expert-driven approach is hugely problematic.  It impoverishes the relationship of parent and child by reducing parenting to a set of tasks to be performed, subject to external standards.  It has parents doubting ourselves to a truly unnatural degree, wondering whether we're doing it "right."  It has the potential to rob us of much of the joy of building a relationship of love with our children.  And it turns us into insecure people who are relieved to be able to point at the parenting "mistakes" of others, so we'll feel just a little bit better about ourselves.

I'm guilty of it too, absolutely.  It is true that I feel confident in my relationship with my daughter, but I am not without my moments of self-doubt.  More than one time I have looked at another mother and felt relieved that she was not measuring up in some way, because it took the (self-inflicted) pressure off me.  Many more times I have failed to compliment other mothers because... well, because it feels like a race, and how can I win if I'm taking time out to compliment the competition?

It's ridiculous.  It is so ridiculous that it deserves to be called many words that I will not use here, this being a family-friendly website and all.  But I will say this: I am opting out of the race, starting now.  Those few times I have let my better self win and have told another mother she's doing a wonderful job, I've seen the flash of gratitude in her eyes and known that she needs to hear those words just as much as I do.  I'm going to start fighting to let that better self win more often, actively fighting to become the person I want to be.  We parents are in this "expert"-driven parenting culture together, and the absolute best thing we can do for ourselves and for our children is to band together against it and keep on loving them in spite of it.  I think we can have a great time along the way.

Comments

[Annika]

A-freakin'-MEN.

[Caroline]

AMEN! I'm sorry you had to deal with that. :(

[Kate]

Amen, amen, amen.

[Shelby]

Very well-put. You always bring such a clarity to things for me =) I want to be able to store posts like this for the day when we're able to have our own family.

[Tracy]

Yes, you can get an amen. Quite a few, I'm thinking.

And here's mine: AMEN!!!!

[Kate]

Amen! And another Amen!

(and I think you're an admirable mother, btw.)

[Laura]

WOW.....Amen! Thanks for this; you always have such an awesome way of expressing yourself and I so enjoy reading. I've been reading your blog for some time but have never commented; I'm trying to make an effort lately to stop being shy and speak up:) So...hi!

[Bug's mama]

coming out of lurkdom to say THANK YOU!!!! It is so good to see someone else feel the way that I do. Wishing you the best.

[Mary B]

Amen and alleluia!

[Tessie]

Right ON, man. Right on.

Anyone who thinks you are so much as a MEDIOCRE mother is a Total Skimmer.

"YOU are the best mother for your child" is one of my all-time favorite thoughts. I dwell on it often.

Great post! GREAT MOM!

[Pearl]

I come to your blog because I work with survivors of child abuse, and I need reminding that there are happy children with happy parents. Seeing you rejoice in your daughter, and watching her flourish, does my soul good. I suspect we'd disagree over all sorts of political stuff, but that really isn't the point. In you I see someone trusting God, loving her family, and doing her best. It's beautiful.

Oh, and AMEN!

[Ashley]

Amen, I second (or third) the you are the best mother for your child thought too. I never understood this before I had my daughter, but each child's parent (aside from abuse and neglect) is the best possible parent for them regardless or wealth or status.

[ashley]

And it's often a vicious cycle, isn't it? You feel like a bad mother, so you're discouraged and might be withdrawn or defeated. So then you are not connected with your child, which will only make you feel worse, etc.

I'm way too critical of others in general, after a weekend with the in-laws, I realize I totally need to be more forgiving and loving. It's tough, though. Especially when you lack humility... :)

This post reminded me of this article:
Mommy Wars: http://tinyurl.com/5t8t63

[MaryB]

AMEN, AMEN, again I say AMEN!

Are you inside my head??? If so, keep at it because you are much better at conveying the thoughts inside into written language. Just wait until you hit school age - oh boy! I despise the "competitive parenting!"

[hydrogeek]

Beautiful. AMEN!

[Robyn]

I so needed this post. (and AMEN to it)

But I also think there are issues other than competiveness and marketing factoring into what I see as a collapse of parenting in our country.

We've lost our community of knowledge. We don't rely on each other or previous generations as we should. I see it very similar to farm-raised chickens who don't even know to sit on their eggs to hatch them since they've been so removed from the process for so long.

[Mary Catherine]

What?!?! How dare you spend time with your daughter and make her feel important and loved instead of cleaning your bathroom every day?!?!

Not only are you a good mother, but if you ever want to feel better about your housekeeping skills, let me know and I'll tell you how MY bathroom looks.

[beth]

It's so hard to be charitable toward people who display such meanness. It's good that you don't let it disturb you; you are a fantastic mom.

[Jen]

I've had a troll too. I took down their IP address and they never came back. I always wonder what makes someone want to hurt someone for no reason. Why just do a drive-by?

You are a terrific mother with a terrific daughter. Camilla is beautiful and is clearly going to be one of those sparklers that shines for the whole world to see.

[Lisa]

Once again, you've impressed me with your grace and the way you can take a negative situation and turn it into a positive. Though I'm not a mother (yet) I try to take the high road in any number of situations in my life. Your post reminded me of that goal, because it's easy to forget in the everyday rat race we're in. Thanks!

[miranda]

I hate that people can tear down others and not care about the fact that there are real people behind the computers. I wish that people would treat blogs like they were talking face to face with another person. I enjoy reading your blog :)

[Pippi]

Yeah Arwen! I agree 100%! I'm also confidant in my parenting skills and I credit my mother with that. I feel so sad when I see other mothers that didn't get that gift. I try to make a point of building up all my mom friends and you've reminded me how important it is.

[Blythe]

Amen and thank you.

[Manda]

Three cheers for adult discourse!! I'm sure this is all more than the troll can handle. My advice to creeps like that is always: GET YOUR OWN BLOG! :)

[Kate]

This spoke volumes to me. In fact, you inspired me to write something on my own blog. God bless you!

[Jeanne]

I don't get it... that was totally random. How could anyone think you are a rotten mother? (shrugs shoulders and goes on with life)

Oh, and my laundry and my bathroom and my house in general... gosh... I don't invite people to come and visit anymore because 1. My house is way too messy, and 2. I don't have the energy to clean it. I used to. I used to invite people and run around cleaning beforehand. Somehow I have become a horrible housewife. I'm a pretty good mother, but I am a horrible housewife.

[louise]

Another amen from the choir! :-)

Wow, I can't believe that you got a troll! Glad you deleted whatever he/she said! Boo on them.

[Sandyone]

Your baby is old enough to be wearing shoes??? When did that happen? Seems like I heard your joyous announcement that you were expecting. Then, suddenly, she was born. Now I come back and find her in shoes??? I've missed way too much of your blog.

Way too much.

ps..amen!!

[annie]

You know, I have often been of the opinion that it is easier to become friends with men than with women on the basis that women can be so petty and catty with each other. This thought, unfortunately, has been confirmed many times over when I meet moms. Perhaps the pettiness and catty-ness are just exacerbated by our pride and protectiveness over our children, I don't know. It's a shame, though, that those people who can be the biggest support to each other (especially during a time of life when you really DO need support) can be each others biggest critics.

Very, VERY well stated. AMEN!

[el-e-e]

You inspired me to write, too! I really related to this. Thanks for the wise words.

[Ted]

Amen sister! (When did you become Baptist? :-p)

I've known you for more than seven years now, and you're a great person and wonderful mother (and awesome maker of food for bachelors :-) )

[George]

Trying not to nitpick, sister, but we being the family of pedants that we are, I think I'm entitled to point this out. You come by your analogy for the characteristics of your troll simply because of a homonym. (That is to say, incorrectly.) The etymology of the name "troll" for internet nasties is not found in the ugly, ravine dwelling Pygmies, but rather in the fishing technique known as "trolling". See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Troll_(Internet)#Etymology

Have a good day, and I suppose I'm obligied to throw in the "AMEN" that you asked for.

[SouthernComfortable]

Amen, indeed!

You are an amazing mother-- I hope I can be half as good when we have children. I really don't know why there are people out there who feel the need to tear others down instead of building them up. Kudos to you for, as always, rising above the fray and turning a negative experience into a ray of positive sunshine for all of your readers.

[Maureen]

AMEN! I love, love, love everything about this post and it spoke to me on so many levels. Thank you! It was something I needed to read and plan to share with many!

[ladywithasong]

So very very VERY nicely put. A big bravo to you, Arwen!

And, an AMEN !

[Tanya]

In reading your blog I have never thought of you as anything less than a fabulous mother. And I am one of the commenters who occasionally disagrees with some of your views (well, I did once).

I had a troll once before and she actually made me smile (after the initial confused hurt), because what I wrote must have be powerful enough for her to leave her mark. Of course, after the smile came pity for her. Then I simply put it out of my mind.

Well done for speaking so eloquently.

[Lisa]

If there's anything I've learned from being a parent, it is that there is no perfect parenting style that works for everyone. Every child is different, so every parent is different. No one has the right to say you are a bad parent, and I applaud you for pointing out our tendency to put each other down (however unintentional our put-downs may be). Thanks for this post.

[Kira]

I love, love, love that you took a troll experience and turned it into a positive reflection on your job as a mother and how we can all do better at supporting each other. THANK YOU.
And bless you.

[Hoo]

Best to ignore trolls - they live for negative attention and deleting them must.just.kill.them.
Have a great mother's day!

[Jane Lebak]

I posted about this on my weblog.

http://philangelus.wordpress.com/2008/05/10/arwen/

Thanks! (And "amen!")

[Becki]

This post is getting more "Amens" than a tent revival, and I'm adding mine.

Shortly after the birth of my daughter, when I was riddled with depression and doubt, my beloved pastor reminded me that love covers a multitude of sins. I will surely make mistakes, daily, with this parenting thing, but if my love for my children is true, everything else will work out.

I probably shouldn't, but I feel bad for that troll. A little more love in her formative years might have done her a world of good.

[Kristen]

So perfectly worded...my feelings exactly- you just expressed them better than I could have. You are a great mother and that may bring out the green-eyed monster in other moms, on occasion. Nothing you can do about it, just pray that she gets beyond it.

Happy mother's day to you!

[Dr. Maureen]

I'm a bit late to the party, but AMEN.

[Cricket]

Found this through Jane's blog.

The best thing to do with parenting experts is have a lot of them around, so you can always find one who agrees with you. Sometimes they come up with ideas that work for you today, sometimes they don't.

[Kylie]

Wow that was beautiful. I have been a long time lurker and you finally coerced (he he) me out of lurkerdom. I struggle with the very things you are talking about here and this encourages me to make a new effort to join you in quitting the race and being the better person I want to be. Thanks and God bless.

[Elizabeth]

I know this comment is coming late, but I just wanted to let you know how much this post meant to me - it has stuck with me since I first read it and I have found myself coming back to it multiple times.
Thank you.