We Like to Think We're Not Even in the Bottom Quintile

The other night I was browsing at the library and I saw this book on the shelf.  At first I thought that it was too bad I hadn't had The Fussy Baby Book when I was dealing with a fussy baby, but when I spotted the subtitle, Parenting Your High-Need Child from Birth to Age Five, I threw that book in my bag like it was on fire.

I love this book.  I wish I'd had this book a year ago.  Not so much because we needed the suggestions it gives (thank you, Internet) but because, man, we could have used the validation.

During the first months of Milla's life I had to make a very concerted effort to avoid reading baby-parenting-advice, especially on the subject of sleep, because it made me crazy.  For instance, you're "supposed" to put your infant down in the crib awake so that she can learn to self-soothe.  I'd read something like that and feel my eyeballs starting to roll back in my head.  Who comes up with this stuff, aliens?  In my world, a baby who was laid down awake was a baby who would make her parents feel her wrath at least tenfold for every minute she was allowed to lie there.

On Christmas morning our baby sat for forty-five minutes on her father's lap without needing to be bounced or nursed or put in the sling, and we were beside ourselves with glee.  She was being so good!  It was a special gift to us from the Christmas angels!  Camilla was two-and-a-half months old then, and things were already far better than they'd been a month before.  Our standards were pathetically low.

A few months later, I read this post by Maureen and felt a tiny urge to go find her and smack her.  (Sorry Maureen!  Nothing personal!)  She was concerned about allowing five-month-old Jack to develop a habit of needing to be rocked to sleep.  Totally valid, in normal-baby-parent world.  But since in my world getting the baby to sleep involved a complex and exacting combination of white noise, proper sling positioning, and tightly choreographed dance moves, I wasn't exactly sympathetic.  It was my dream that my child would agree to go to sleep by mere rocking sometime before her tenth birthday. 

Maggie, who is an excellent mother but likes to worry that she's not, has a recent post about her obsession with the possibility that her son's erratic napping means that she is doing something wrong as a mother.  Emily commiserates in the comments, and when I was reading it occurred to me that I am by nature certainly as neurotic as these people.  Why is it that I haven't spent more time worrying that I, too, was doing it All Wrong?

Part of it is probably the fact that I am a big Know-It-All, and people who think they know everything tend to assume that they are right and not worry that they're wrong.

But also, there's this: parents of fussy babies cannot afford to worry about whether they are doing it right.  Had Bryan and I made the assumption that there was some kind of cause/effect relationship between the things we did and the way our baby acted, we would have had to come to the conclusion that we were The Worst Parents in the Entire World.  That was clearly not true.  So we figured that if it didn't kill us it would make us stronger, and we forged ahead confidently.

Or somewhat confidently, anyway, because as strong as our convictions might have been it was hard not to question ourselves a little when the umpteenth person raised an eyebrow at our admission that she didn't sleep through the night, or that she took all her naps in the sling or the swing, or that she needed the highly-specialized routine to go to sleep.  We knew that we were doing what she needed; we were firm in that conviction, but still... the raised eyebrow left a little niggling doubt that maybe our baby was the way she was because of something we'd done wrong.

Which was why, as I read parts of The Fussy Baby Book aloud to Bryan this past weekend, we both felt so incredibly vindicated.  Reading the profile of the high-need baby was like reading a story about our daughter.  We smiled at the contributing parents' words of complaint and encouragement, because we've been there, and it's nice to be reminded that we were not alone.

Next time we'll be smarter, we'll know to trust ourselves even more and we'll know not to open ourselves up to criticism from anyone who won't understand the way we do things.  And next time, of course, we're hoping for an easy baby.  We think we deserve it.

Comments

[George]

Cutting it close sister, 22 minutes later and you'd have been late. You have to remember the time it takes to get on the server. I've been regularly refreshing this page for an hour now, and I only just now got the new post.

[Laura]

For parenting high-need children, I also liked "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. My first and third babies were just like Camilla and this book has helped me appreciate the positive side of having a very intense child. Also, to give you hope-- my second was the easiest baby in the world. He was just the break I needed in between my two spark plugs. God really knows what you can handle!

[Jen]

All parents worry, it goes with the territory. My parents still worry about me and I am 26. Besides, it is clear that you are doing a fabulous job.

[Shelby]

Good for you and Bryan for not questioning yourselves. It certainly appears that you're doing a great job raising a healthy, beautiful baby!

[Sarah]

Our baby slept great.
As a toddler, not so much.
Sleep can be so weird.

[Amy F]

I had a very similar experience recently when I read "Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy". Yay, other three year olds torment their siblings, hate leaving the house, and decide to start tantrumming after not doing so the entire year they were two. I'm also a non-reader of parenting books because I've always figured that we'd do whatever worked for our kids and beg our internet friends to fill in the blanks. But dang, it was good to get some validation that my child was not destined for serial killer land, just a spunky three year old.

I've surrounded myself with so many AP parents so long that I forget that some babies sleep through the night by themselves before the age of 1. I thought I had it pretty good that my first was in his own bed happily and stopped night nursing at 18 months and that my husband took over all nighttime duty at 21 months. Now my second is almost 20 months and when sick last week kept staying up an hour at 3 am and I wanted to go hide far, far away, but he's been falling asleep with daddy for a week and I feel so human again.

I've decided that my version of an easy baby probably doesn't match a lot of mainstream parents'. I don't care if the kid wakes at night so long as I can stay in bed and nurse and we can both fall asleep. I'm perfectly willing to wear the child in a sling all day but would really love to avoid one who screamed in the car. Anyway, I hear ya.

[maggie]

Dude. Neurotic is my natural state of being. Today was about eating. He is skipping a feeding! Skipped feeding=worst mother in the world! But secretly I think I am awesome. So, you know, not THAT neurotic.

[Elizabeth]

What would we all do without Dr. Sears?

Our baby has never fallen asleep on her own. She is either bounced/rocked to sleep, or she falls asleep nursing. And yet I've never categorized her as "high needs" or particularly fussy. I have always just assumed that the books that say babies should fall asleep on their own are wrong, and that they make parents whose babies don't do that assume that they are doing something wrong or that there is something wrong with their baby. When I was pregnant and somewhat frustrated by the limitations of my changing body, my husband kept telling me to "adjust expectations." I guess I've sort of done that in parenting as well.

PS: You made it in plenty of time for your west coast readers.

[Elizabeth]

I hope my comment didn't make it sound like I never worry about anything with the baby. Because that is certainly not true. I worry a lot. Just not too much about sleep. I mean, I would like more than I have gotten the past couple nights. Two to three wake-ups I can handle. Four is okay. Seven? NOT SO MUCH.

[Margaret]

I agree that you two deserve an easy baby next time around!!

[Ellen]

Glad the book was so validating for you. Feeling validated is a Very Good Thing. Camilla is blessed to have parents who love her so much and are so willing to give her what she needs.

[Maggie]

I guess it would have been weird for me to be reading parenting books at the age of 19, but I must confess that I never thought it was weird/abnormal/wrong/bad/disordered for you to do everything that you did to help Milla to sleep...but I guess I also had the advantage of experiencing what she was like when none of the factors were properly appointed, or even what she was like when they were and she just felt like screeching anyway. In any event, I think you and Bryan are fantastic parents and I would envy Camilla if I hadn't had such great ones myself :-) That being said, I hope your next one's easy too...

[Lindsay]

I guess you could just look at it as a tiny pearl that Camilla spared you all that needless and agonising self-doubt? ;) Haha, no, I think you definitely have done a great job and deserve the world's easiest baby next time around. :o)

[Kim]

It's interesting...I don't have kids, but most of my friends do. MANY of my friends are "ezzo"-ers, and so my mentality was "hey, you should put baby down, etc." I was around my niece a lot when she was a baby, but not really for naps or bedtime. So when her little brother came along and my schedule was flexible enough to take care of him a day or two a week, I jumped on it. And that's when I realized - it goes against every bone in my body to let my little man cry for 30 minutes in his bed to let him sleep. There were days where yes, if I laid him down sleepy, he'd fall to sleep himself without a peep. But most days, especially as he got older, he required rocking and shushing and bottle and pacy and bottle again. And I thought - that is OKAY. The point is for him to sleep - not for him to go to sleep the perfect way.

So all that to say - keep trusting your instincts. Even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else, she's your baby.

[cjmr]

My son napped on my lap for his first year. (Boy did I get a lot of cross stitch and crocheting done that year--thank heavens for floor frames.) And he was nursed to sleep every night.

For the second year he only napped if I sat in the room with him until he fell asleep. And nighttime sleep required listening to his special lullaby CD.

Now, at nine, he puts himself to bed, and if he gets tired during the day will just disappear into his room and take a nap.

You do what you have to do, and it'll all work out eventually.

[Keri]

You and your husband are wonderful parents. The best advice I got when we had our daughter was to ignore what other people tell you and do what you feel is right. Parents know their baby the best.

[Diane]

My favorite story relating to this is one our pediatrician told us when we first visited him with a screaming, reflux-ridden 3 week old infant (because we switched peds at that point, HATING our first one, who attributed everything "wrong" with our baby to the fact that we were brand new parents. Thanks so much. Yay tangents!) Anyway, he told us that his first child was SUCH an easy baby. He went to sleep all by himself, never fussed, ate just the way he should, etc. He and his wife thought they were the greatest parents in the world. This parenting thing was CAKE! What was wrong with all those other parents out there? They were obviously doing something wrong.

Then they had their second baby. Very fussy, never wanted to sleep, food sensitivities out the wazoo. Wake-up call.

I think we all give ourselves too much credit when the baby is good, and WAY too much flak when the baby isn't so good. Maybe if we could all realize our only job is to love that baby and keep it breathing, we could relax a bit more.

[Mary]

Birth to Age Five, huh? I must get this book! Mine is 3 and it IS much better. Still, I'd like all the help I can get.

[Salome Ellen]

Camilla is going to grow up to be a happy, well-balanced, loving little girl who sleeps through the night. How she gets there -- SOOOO not an issue!

[Maureen]

'S'OK, that Maureen deserved a slap. That's why she called her sister! To get a virtual slap! Because she knew she was being stupid!

And lo and behold, the child now goes to sleep sans rocking and we have somehow managed not to destroy his entire life with the rocking.

And you know, I *still* catch myself every once in a while thinking things like, "I can't believe X & Y let their baby do Z. They should do what we do! Because that's what works!" Because, obviously, all babies are exactly like my baby. And they are all robots that come with the same set of programming. But whenever I realize what I am thinking that way I tell myself to shut it, because, well, it's obvious why I should shut it. (For the record, I have at least never verbalized these obnoxious thoughts to anyone.)

You guys are awesome parents, and Camilla is very blessed to have you!

[Maureen]

Oh oh! And I wanted to add that when *I* heard she doesn't yet sleep through the night, my thoughts were, "Oh, that stinks for you! Wow, we are very lucky that Jack is so easy." Because I really truly do realize how easy Jack is, and I am of the firm opinion that, while parents can turn an easy baby into a fussy baby through bad parenting (such as ignoring the baby's needs), we can't turn a fussy baby into an easy one.

[Christiana]

One of my mother's best friends had a similar story as Diane's doctor - first baby/toddler was perfect angel and she started to think "I must be really good at this" - then her son was born and WHAM - she fell off her horse with a fussy, hyper baby/toddler/child (he never did calm down completely).

Thanks so much for the recommendation - don't know how my baby will be yet (3.5 months to go!) but I've marked the book on my Amazon wishlist for future reference.

I am impressed that you and Bryan had such confidence in yourselves and your abilities - I am already terrified that I will not know what to do, etc. But I know I need to rely on the fact that God will help me the best parent I can be to my child and He wouldn't have given me this child if He didn't think I could handle it. Good for you for starting out with that attitude from teh get go.

[Kate]

I've never thought of Gui as a fussy baby...but we spent plenty of time trying to make him fit other people's expectations (re: sleeping in particular, but also other things) in between regaining our sanity and just reconciling ourselves to the son we really have and what he needs. I wish we'd never attempted to sleep him in a crib, because it gave us several frustrating weeks every time we tried, and in the end he still prefers to be with us (especially when it's cold). If only we'd invested in a co-sleeper! Switching to side- by side mattresses on the floor was the best thing we ever did for our family.

Anyway...hoping for an easy baby this time around too, I'll admit. Someone a little more cuddly and a little less intense. :-)

[louise]

Who ARE those babies that go to sleep after being put in their cribs while still awake? My little one is definitely not one of them! :-)

[Lisa]

Every child is different, and that's why books can be so frustrating. I'm glad you found one that applies to your situation.

[Caroline]

I'm glad you found a validating book. You are an awesome mama and I know that Milla know it!

[Tara]

I will definitely have to check out those books. All the "other ones," like you said, made me crazy. Maybe I will toss them in the recycling bin next week.

One evening when Shea was around three months old, Adam was holding her, and she was just calmly hanging out, just chillin'. I then started panicking that something was wrong wit her. "Do you think she's sick?" "Why isn't she fussing/writhing around/kicking/crying?"

I have two friends that have babies who have had no problem falling asleep on their own, in their beds, from the beginning. It is a struggle every time I see them to not punch them. I'm kidding... sort of. :)

[Indiana Mommy]

I think sleep is such a hotly debated topic because all new parents SO DESPERATELY want some. But the truth of the matter is that it's definitely not one-size-fits-all. The key is finding the method that works for your baby and your family and ignoring all the other voices. I have yet to hear a Nobel Prize winner credit attachment parenting for his or her brilliance; similarly, I doubt "my mom made me cry it out" is frequently an excuse for criminal bahavior. We all just do the best that we can, and it does seem to work out in the end. It sounds like you and Brian have found the way that works for your daughter and family, which is all that matters. And here's hoping that your next baby is an easy one!

[Hoo]

Sleep is such a hot-button topic We have a friend who is a psychologist who has been lecturing us, without request, for years about getting the kids into good sleep habits. He STILL asks how they are sleeping - or I should say he asks my DH. If he asked me directly I would probably smack him!

[parodie]

I am really happy you two had the resources and support you needed to feel so completely confident in your ability to love your daughter and give her exactly what she needed - how wonderful for all of you! I hope you will continue to enjoy it so much, and do it so naturally.

[Tracy]

I love that book! I lived that book! Nina was my velcro child, easy as pie as long as I was with her, and nightweaned at 18? 20 months? can't remember when we decided to tell her that "mi-mi" was for when the sun came up again. Dr. Gordon's method is pretty much what we did, but I can't remember if he was "out there" yet. Dr. Sears was though - and that helped so much.

I had already experienced the opposite baby - a child who preferred to be alone to fall asleep, a child who liked to be sleepy and put down and would fall asleep right away. He was a strange child to us - we were ready to co-sleep and everything - and he slept alone and through the night by 3 mos? Still prefers to be alone in a quiet room to fall asleep, whereas my velcro child still loves to be beside me when the opportunity arises.

long comment to say - you're doing great, keep it up - you're the best parents Camilla could ever have. Oh, and to all those people who said that my sweet Nina would never be independent because *I* was making her want to be with me all the time - hah!!! The velcro ripped at 26 months, she's extremely confident, self-assured, independent, and just fine - as is her older but strange brother (who looks to be the "normal" child?).

[Lori]

I have a 3-month-old little girl and I really NEED to go buy that book. Thank you for the recommendation!

[Pearl]

Good work, Arwen. Camilla might be a fussy baby, but she also looks like an extremely happy baby.