Infuriation

About two months ago we told our parents that we had started thinking seriously about adoption.

This was, and still is, an emotional rather than a practical change. We haven’t even picked an agency; we haven’t even picked a country. But back then in June we had reached a turning point: we had started to see adoption not as a second choice or a compromise, but as a first choice, as a call, as something that might very well be the best thing for us.

In our emotional journey through our fertility problems, we’d reached a revolution of sorts. And we wanted to share it with our families.

Telling my family was no big deal. We mentioned that we’d decided to start looking into adoption, and they were all excited. They left it at that, clear and loving support but no pressure. We could tell them as little as we wanted, and they’d be happy, and we could tell them more, and they’d be happy with that too. That’s just the way my family is. They understand.

With Michael’s parents, on the other hand, we’ve learned that if we don’t have answers to their questions, the advice flows freely. So when we told them, we treated all our preliminary plans as if they were set in stone. “Yes, international adoption. Probably a Latin American country.” It’s easier to get them to adjust to a change in plan than to explain to them that we don’t have one.

In spite of our careful preparation for that conversation, I almost burst into tears several times during it, thanks to my father-in-law. He was outraged at the (very low-ball) figures we quoted him when he asked about the costs of adoption. “Where does all that money go?” He appears to believe that international adoption is essentially thugs selling babies for drug money.

But I was far more upset by what happened when we first named Latin America as our area of choice. He started naming other countries, countries that were coincidentally (can you hear the irony in my voice?) all European. The implication was painfully clear: why can’t you adopt a white baby?

And then there was this weekend’s conversation with my mother-in-law. It started with an innocuous question: How is adoption research going?

It hasn’t really gone anywhere. Busy summer, you know. But I met with a friend who adopted from China and she told me about other programs they considered. Korea sounds interesting.

Really? (Pause.) You know, I think people my age tend to view Asian children as smarter than… others. (Meaning Hispanic or African children.) It might be good to look into Korea.

And I was stunned. Floored. I had no idea what to say. I stumbled through it as best I could. Well, whatever kind of adoption we decide to do, people will have stereotypes and questions. We’re prepared for that. I think we’ll try to pick the program that seems the best fit for us, and not worry about that stuff, because it’s going to be hard no matter what.

(I probably wasn’t quite that eloquent, but that was the gist of it.)

After both episodes, I was frustrated with myself for not being braver. I could have asked my father-in-law why he was only suggesting European countries. I could have asked my mother-in-law if she thinks that the best way to respond to people’s prejudices is to bend to them. I could have asked both of them if they think the race of our child really matters (because I have a sneaking suspicion that they do). I could have challenged both of them, could have stood up for what I know to be true instead of giving half-hearted answers.

I think that in most cases, I’m ready to do that. I’m strong enough. Mustering strength in argument is hardly ever a problem for me. I’m expecting that if we adopt, our lives will be inundated with questions and comments, many of them well-meaning and many of them completely inappropriate or wrong. I’m prepared for that.

Where it gets me, where I’m surprised and don’t know what to do, is when it comes from people so close to us, people who are supposed to be on our side. I understand that I’m spoiled by the fact that my own family is so understanding, and that many people deal with family who are far more upsetting than my parents-in-law. And I love them, and I know that they really want to help. But it’s hard, and sometimes I get a little overwhelmed by the thought of facing it again and again, of knowing that the race of our child matters to them even though it truly, truly doesn’t matter to us. It’s certainly not a deal-breaker, but it’s a reminder that this journey, and life in general, are hard. Tonight, I’m feeling just a little grrrrr-ish over that.

Comments

[Katie]

We know that anything short of a genetic reproduction of us would be viewed as lesser by my husband's parents. They even look down on BIL's stepson, because "he isn't theirs"

There's huge racial issues as well as issues with adoption in general. I can't even go into their opinions without getting emotional.

I hope over time that your in-laws can be more supportive. You're lucky that you at least have your side of the family behind you during all of this.

[Jenny/Long Time Lurker]

Oh, why can't people keep their issues to themselves! Sorry you had to put up with that. Sounds like you did a good job, and you'll do it again, and better, whenever you have to.

Which, I hope, won't be that often. It's good to prepare, but don't fight battles before they find you.

[Kate]

Arwen,

I'm sure they'll be much more supportive when finally face to face with an actual child. I think there is a strange subconcious racism that infects a lot of folks of our parents generation ... not a gross, horrid, "people of other races are inferior" mentality, but just an over-awareness of race, and some pandering to stereotypes. They probably really are afraid that a child from a non-white background will have trouble fitting in and adjusting - because when they were children (or even when they were young adults), that would have been the case.

In fact, my observation has been that, no matter how enlightened, people of our parents and grandparents generations are simply more aware of race, less color-blind. You and I grew up in a world where race alone poses few major obstacles to any goal - just look at Bush's cabinet. Socio-economic background has a lot more to do with people's fates. But our parents (and in-laws) haven't necessarily noticed that change.

Be at peace. Maybe God wants to use you to show your in-laws what color-blindness is really about. And look around CtK Sunday morning - there are at least 3 other cross-race adoptions in the parish (that I know of). You aren't alone.

God Bless!
Kate

[Jennifer]

Arwen the Brave:

It was good that you didn't confront them...I think Kate is right...everything will change as soon as that little child is in their arms. I know this because my parents are loving and supportive...and slightly racist (ever so gently nudging us in the direction of an Asian adoption...hint hint)but I know that once the child is here it will all vanish.

In the words of Huey Lewis and the News...the power of love, it's a curious thing... ;)

Be wild.

Jennifer

[jen]

Wait, you mean I wasn't supposed to base my adoption plans on which kids are the smartest? But we only went with China because they are so good at math! Now what do I do?

[Dooneybug]

Grrr away.

That is a difficult situation. It scares me too, because I think that if hubby and I ever decided to adopt, that maybe our parents wouldn't see that child as really part of the family.

It's sad that race is what would cause someone to not love a person in their own family. I hope they are able to work through the issue and provide the love and support that your future family deserves.

[Lindsey]

I have nothing intelligent to add, other than I'm sorry you had to have this happen already, so early in the game.

[Sonetka]

Grrr - I'm sorry; I can imagine how frazzling it is to be dealing with very nice family members who just. don't. have. a. clue. I think Kate has a good point - especially since your mother-in-law was talking about "people in her generation" and not just saying "Aren't the Asian kids smarter?" - it does look like she's concerned about the problems the child may have since she's still working off an old template. As for mentioning Korea, my mother brought Korea up the first time I mentioned international adoption as well, because when she was growing up most of the internationally adopted kids were from there - it was "THE place" for that sort of thing. But yes, very frustrating nonetheless. It sounds like they mean well, but unfortunately that doesn't mean they can't make you crazy!

If I can do the assvice thing as a not-yet-adopter; your in-laws might just need a basic survey of how international adoption works in general. I doubt it would help with the racial aspect, unfortunately, but it might help in terms of calming their concerns about where the money goes and explaining why most of Europe isn't an option even if that's what you wanted, which it isn't. (If they're thinking of Russia - well, two-thirds of the country is in Asia. Russians are by no means universal blonds). It just seems like a basic "This is step A, this is step B" might calm them down and make them feel a little less apprehensive. Maybe pick an example country like Guatemala as a model, though if you didn't end up going there there is the risk that you'll hear "But I thought you were going to Guatemala!"

Anyway, assvice out. I do hope things work out with them soon - it's almost certainly true that once the baby is actually here they'll fall in love and won't care if he or she was born on Pluto, but that probably feels really far away right now, so here's hoping they see the families Kate mentioned and come around a little sooner. Take care of yourself!

- Sonetka

[Salome Ellen]

Darlin' Daughter: Remember, your in-laws can't be all bad -- they raised Michael, and he's on the same page you are! That said, I want to emphasise again what Kate said above: that our (and I include myself) generation is simply more aware of race than yours, for which change I thank God! You have never seen inside my head, but you would be horrified at all the times I have a little "NO" jolt when I see, for example, mixed race couples like the "Smiths". But I know that that's a result of culture (NOT training; your grandparents were as un-racist as was possible in their generation.) And I have chosen to live on the basis of what I know to be true, that we are all the same in God's sight, rather than on what my gut does. I must admit, I don't think my gut will have any trouble with my grandchildren. ;-) But then I don't think your in-laws will either. They are simply of a generation that can't not notice, and they are trying to let you know, as gently as they know how, that other people will notice, too.

(Did you notice I'm playing with HTML ??!)

[Christine]

You need a place to grrr. I still haven't completely forgiven my in-laws for their reaction to our meeting with a birthmother. Didn't ask about the health/gender of the child, just the race. Grrr, indeed.

[Leigh]

Here is the truth: from the moment you think about, or become parents, there will be people out there that will disagree with everything you do. Everything. Someone out there will tell you, and often unsolicited, how to parent better (meaning their way)that your decisions will scar your child for life, blah blah blah. Sad but true. It is difficult to harden your heart to the comments, but you should for your own sanity and self-preservation. You will be great parents.

[Becki]

Go ahead and grrr if you need to. Your in-laws may be wonderful people (after all, they raised Michael!) but even wonderful people don't always think or say wonderful things. And, sadly, sometimes people feel most comfortable betraying their own prejudices to the people closest to them.

No matter where your baby comes from, or when it comes, you are going to be a good, good mother. Your in-laws will adjust to whatever they need to in the face of their actual, precious, very own grandchild.

[Jamie]

Grrr indeed. Thinking of you.

[Caroline]

Sorry they weren't more supportive. Maybe your adoption will help them grow emotionally/spiritually and help them change their attitudes - You can teach older dogs new tricks (sometimes it just takes a bit of prodding). Hang in there!

[alicia]

A good book to read, if you can find it, is The Family Nobody Wanted, by Helen Doss. It is out of print and old, but it really addresses racism and adoption straight on, from a family that adopted close to a dozen mixed race kids in the 1940s and 1950s.

[Philothea Rose]

Grrr.... those comments would have frustrated me as well. Hugs and prayers as you continue your journey!

[Charlotte]

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this kind of crud. However, please know that you are not alone (unfortunately). Keep on praying about your path and for your in-law's to open their hearts and minds as well.

[Tracy]

Definitely grr. I think you are doing great wtih the comments though.

[Elena]

I think Kate's comment was the best.

It occurs to me that perhaps they're just a little scared. Scared for you, scared that you'll be hurt or taken advantage of, scared of the unknown, scared to give up a dream they might have had of what it would be like to grandparent, and how it will be to be grandma and grandpa to little ones that don't look like them.

I'm sure that once you have a little one they'll adapt just fine...after all they raised your husband - and he turned out OK!

Next time just give em a hug and let them know you love them, and it will work out fine. Maybe that's really what they want to hear anyway.

[Aitch]

bummer. I so wish everyone had parents like yours. They will come around. They must.

[Momma K]

Oh you have my sympathy!!!! If it is any consolation---they would probably be doing the same things if you were pregnant--you know--second guessing your choice of doctors, baby names, etc.

[Gwen]

Boy! This brings back such memories of when we were deciding to adopt! I too married young (18 and he was 19) and we started trying when I was barely 20! I'm now nearly 34 and have three wonderful children through adoption. By the way my children are 1/2 phillipino, 1/4 thai and 1/2 hispanic, and 1/4 thai! They are all amazing and 100% my own! I have a sneeking suspician that if you do adopt a interacial child your in-laws will come around!

You would think that we went international with the race of my children but they are all domestic adoptions! I wish the best of luck to you and if it's okay I may stick around for your journey! I know it will be God's plan so it has to be good! Hang in there I know you will be a mommy one day!

[Ed]

We have two adopted children (Peru and Guatemala) who are extremely intelligent, and also multi-talented: in addition to academic achievement, between the two of them one or both is exceptionally skillful at music, art, social skills and sports.

What you realize is how much incredible human potential, about half the planet (3 billion people!), is wasted because of poverty and repressive political regimes. We westerners would also be low achievers without good nutrition, medical care, literacy, and stable social environments.

We have never encountered racism or questions about ethnicity from either side of the family, friends, or anyone else. We also know quite a few other adoptive families - white, brown, or asian, all the kids are treated the same by everyone who knows them. Our youngest is starting to develop a reputation as the smartest kid in his (95% white) school.