I'm the kind of person who likes to pretend to practice patience. In reality I have no patience, especially with other people, but I like to pretend. For example, if I have a really yummy piece of pie sitting on a plate waiting for me, I'll ignore it. I'll load the dishwasher, make myself a cup of tea. It's my way of feigning indifference. Since I'm not jumping on the pie, I must not really care whether I have it. (Completely untrue - I love pie.)
It's the same way with pregnancy tests. I know that many women who are trying to conceive start using home pregnancy tests the minute they could expect hCG in their bloodstreams. But I don't. I just wait, in pretend patience, for my period to start. It's a kind of denial for me. I'm not testing, therefore I don't care. (Ha. Ha ha.)
This cycle is torturing me by being so long, though, and so last night I broke down and bought a test. Actually, two, because I know that if it's early enough, you can get false negatives. I did one last night and, sure enough, negative. My heart tightened and my eyes teared up momentarily, and then I watched a movie with Bryan and laughed very hard.
Later, when I was reading in bed waiting for Bryan to come to bed, he went into my bathroom (adjacent to the bedroom) to use the toothpaste, and I heard him rustling. I asked him what he was doing and he peeked his head out. "I was just putting the other pregnancy test under the sink."
"Why? Are you afraid someone will see it?"
"No, of course not! Who cares if anyone sees it? I just didn't want you to see it, and get sad."
I laughed a little at the irony. He doesn't realize that it matters not a whit whether he puts the other pregnancy test under the sink. There could be no tests within five miles, or the house could be full of them, and I would still think about pregnancy, about babies, about dealing with infertility, every single day.
I would be lying if I said that I've given up hope on this cycle. No period yet, after all, and everyone knows that the evening is not the best time to take a pregnancy test. If I haven't started by Friday, day 32, then I'll test again first thing that morning. If I have started, believe me, you will hear about it. This is my place for false hope, but it is also my place for very real grief.