One of the songs that has shaped who I am is by Michael Card, my absolute favorite musician. It’s a very simple song, but it has consoled me through many hard situations in my life. This morning in the shower, I sang the chorus as a prayer.
Could it be you make your presence known so often by your absence?
Today, that absence was expressed in the absence of a second little pink line on the pregnancy test I took right after I woke up. It was expressed in the arrival of my period, just minutes after the negative. I am devastated, but in the dashing of my hopes, I find my salvation. I am reminded, again and again, that I have nothing, that I am nothing, without Him. This infertility is a challenge to my practice of my faith, but through it my convictions are deepened. I have never been more sure of His presence than I am in this time of suffering.
Could it be that questions tell us more than answers ever do?
My tears come quietly, but in my heart I am screaming, “Why, God? Why?” My question is my answer, for as I ask it I understand that any concrete answer would be inadequate. The person I need to be in order to understand His reasons is a future version of me, a stronger, better person. I have said before, and I truly believe, that I am being refined. This fire may not make sense right now, but I have real hope that someday it will. Until then, my questions tell me more than mysterious answers ever could.
Could it be that you would really rather die than live without us?
This line always puts suffering in perspective for me. I turn the question around, and ask it of myself, “Would you rather die than live without Him?” And if my answer is yes, then that is all I need. No earthly joy, including that of parenthood, would ever really be enough.
Could it be the only answer that means anything is you?